I Thought My Divorce Was Over, Turns Out it Was Just Beginning

First and foremost, the big news- my divorce is final.

Longtime readers of my blog know just how big this news is. This has been nothing short of a war for over a year and a half now. Luckily the kids have for the majority of it been kept in the dark, but the process has taken an emotional toll on all of us, so there was a huge sigh of relief just calling the courthouse and hearing that yes, the divorce decree had been processed yesterday.

The relief was somewhat short lived as I got and read the papers. The terms of my divorce are somewhat unusual- the ex got custody of the kids, and I continue to have supervised visitation pending the results of another psych evaluation, and if I am deemed not to be a threat to anyone, then I will be allowed normal, every-other-weekend unsupervised visitation.

For all of the hassle and concern, you’d think I’d put a gun to my kids heads rather than tried to overdose myself in a hotel room alone in a moment of extreme stress.

I’m not overly concerned about that part, just curious why a second evaluation is needed when the court already has a copy of the first one I undertook voluntarily.  The interesting part about it is that visitation has now been ordered at a family center here who charges $45 an hour, at his expense. Ouch. Considering how often I haven’t been able to see the kids because no one was free to be here to supervise, this arrangement is actually something of an improvement over what it was, and is clearly very temporary. The thought of him having custody of our kids kills me, but the fact is right now he is the one with a stable job, and when I am able to look at things objectively I know this is a good opportunity for me to get myself settled and in a better place financially to equalize things more in the future. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow though to even think about that.

As for the rest…When we were in court the ex was asked about his plan for things financially. At that point he said there was nothing in the house worth fighting over as far as assets, and that he had a company lined up and willing to give him an equity loan on the house (which we long ago agreed he’d keep) and he would use that that to give me a settlement check when the divorce was over. Said all this on the stand, under oath.

Clearly the judge took all this to heart, and since the ex felt there was nothing worth fighting over, awarded me everything in the house, aside from the kids bedroom furniture. Yes, everything. ( Alabama- equitable distribution state FTW!)

Guess who has suddenly decided, despite testifying otherwise, that maybe he can’t give me that lump sum after all? The papers say he has the ‘option’ to pay the settlement in $120 a month installments, starting in January.

Guess who is saying that if I want him to pay the lump sum so I can, after being locked out of the checking account for the last 18 months and given only enough money to barely get by on, start over and get a place to live, must now make him an offer on the property the court awarded to me in the divorce.

In short, if I want the money up front as he has agreed to multiple times both in and out of court, I basically must agree ahead of time to give up some of what the court gave me as part of the settlement.

Worse yet, he won’t even tell me what it is he is after, he just keeps telling me to ‘make him an offer’. I’m not stupid, nothing I even tried to offer would be enough, and I’d likely be considerably better off selling what I don’t need rather than trying to bargain with him.

He is even now arguing that things that he bought and paid for himself are ‘gifts’ (to himself apparently) and that they ‘don’t count’ in what the court awarded me. I’m sorry, what part of everything but the kids bedroom furniture is so hard to understand?

Icing on the cake? He’s making comments about the time I have left in the house running out and how I will be living in my van if I don’t get the money, so I need to hurry up and make him an offer.

So rather than going and signing papers on a cute rental house I found tomorrow, I get to go back to the courthouse and start filing more crap to get this all dealt with. More time, more headaches, more delays.

I just want this done. I want it over so I can get out of this house and move on, but as usual his wallet is more important than trying to make a stable life for his kids, and a smooth transition for all of us.

I don’t know why I expected any better from him. 18+ months of being fucked over at every opportunity should have taught me better.

17 thoughts on “I Thought My Divorce Was Over, Turns Out it Was Just Beginning

  1. Sorry you have to deal with his crap still – what a jerk! What goes around comes around and one day he will get whats coming to him and hopefully we’ll all be around to get a good laugh.


  2. Sara, I clicked through to offer you congratulations, but I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. Some people don’t change, period, and this particular gentleman seems like a winner…

    The good news is if he violates the court orders, there are consequences, and every attempt should be made to be sure he complies. Good luck!


  3. I can’t say I’m surprised, Sara. He’s been out to get you since day one. His grasp is weakening and he’s grabbing at straws. Stay strong. You’ve been doing so great!

    All I can say is: Karma’s a bitch. He’ll get his. I hope it’s swift and hard too.


  4. So sorry… but look on the bright side… it’s official! Perhaps it would be better to take the money, offer him the stuff for some whatever additional price and move on. Used stuff is really worthless… but freedom is PRICELESS!!! Besides, Craiglist is awesome for like-new bargains. Best wishes!


  5. First of all, thank friggin’ god it’s final!! I hope you can take a minute to celebrate that fact – and now you can go into the holidays without that over your head!

    What a douchebag though over the house situation. Typical asshole move though – oh, sure, I don’t want anything in the house – but I’m gonna sell it out from under you as soon as humanly possible! ugh, I’m so sorry hon.

    And as for the kids, I’m sure they’ll be fine, but I can’t imagine how difficult his having custody must be. Not for long though! I’m sure the courts just want “their” psych to evaluate you, and you’ll have those kids back in no time. Courts are generally in favor of having the kids with the mother regardless.

    I hope that once you have a minute to process everything, that you’ll be able to breathe again. You’re so incredibly strong, I admire you, seriously! Hang in there – you’ll get through it. You’ve made it this far, so you’ve just gotta keep going, right? 🙂

    Hugs to you, and cheers to having a divorce decree to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

    Your friend, Laura 🙂


  6. For some reason with this being a family holiday and all, I feel like I shouldn’t be cussing a lot but since I’m typing and not speaking out loud…. FUCK HIM AND THE HORSE HE RODE IN ON.

    You know how I feel about this fucking custody bullshit. It’s a completely fucked up system and the courts really need to pull their heads out of their asses and quit worrying about this “father’s rights” bullshit and REALLY look at what’s best for the kids. Half the time when the wives/mothers end up in the psych ward it’s BECAUSE of these assholes.

    Fucking pricks.

    Call me next week. Or I can call you.


  7. Seriously? This is a load of bullshit. I can’t really feign surprise because he seems incapable of being a normal, let alone decent, human being for even five-tenths of a millisecond.


  8. Let’s remind ourselves of the Bigger Picture here, which is personal freedom. We all have that right, to be who we truly are. It’s hard to see we are own captors and that no one can have true control over us. It’s also difficult to stay true to our higher self under adverse conditions. We’ve all been there.

    If I truly wanted to be free from the ex (and what woman in her right mind wouldn’t under the circumstances), I’d give him whatever price he wanted for the contents. If that’s the price of my freedom, I’d pay it because freedom itself is priceless. Hell, I’d let him have all the contents, minus my clothing and personal items, and walk away. I’d walk towards freedom and begin rebuilding my life with my children.

    If I were the ex and truly wanted to be free from you (and what man in his right mind wouldn’t under the circumstances), I’d let you have everything in the house, down to the last fork. You could have it all if it meant I could get my kids back in their home and back on the road to a stable (I won’t say normal because what does that mean?) life.

    These are things, just tangible, material things. You can not win the game of Life by fighting over the material. Money and objects are not only replaceable but hollow. It is the intangible that matters. Freedom. Joy. Love.

    Sara, I used to know you well, though we know that has changed in the past two years. Is this who you truly are? Maybe I’m a fool, but something in my heart still tells me no.

    Focus on the Bigger Picture and let God take care of the details. The Universe always makes sure you have what you need.


    1. Yes, lets remind ourselves of the bigger picture here. Shall we! Sara was awarded the contents of the home by the court. It is legally hers. the ex is being a prick and making t hings awkward. Sara has to move out. She has no income and no job (even though she has been trying hard to get one).

      So why don’t you egt off your high and mighty horse and think about this over your next Martini. How is Sara supposed to have a life with her kids and rebuild with them is she is unable to afford to keep a roof over her head while she finds a job?

      What she was awarded by the court is her income. It is her means of sustaining herself until there is a paycheck coming in! And you would suggest she just give that up, and what, become destitute?

      What use is she to her children if she doesn’t have a place to see them, a home for them to stay at of the ability to put food in front of them! She has that ability now while she looks for a job, but if she were to take your advice she would have nothing at all!

      Get off your undeserved moral high horse and actually use your brain for a minute!


  9. Stay strong and remember you will look back and be proud of yourself and so grateful for the right things happening because you deserve them. I was recently in the psych ward just like my husband’s first wife. He is bad news and soon I hope to be free like you; in control and on a new path, having learned important lessons the hard way but that is what life is about. Best in the future!!!!!!


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