Crashing

How many times can you deny being in a bad mood, before it dawns on you that you really ARE in a bad mood? I think I really am the queen of denial, as I’ve been telling myself and others for days I am happy, I am just fine. It dawned on me a little while ago as I walked into my bathroom, shut the door and broke down crying that Duh!, I’m really not just fine. People who are just fine don’t start randomly crying in their bathrooms for no reason.

It sounds stupid, but I really didn’t realize it was happening. I felt fine, albeit a little edgy, but overall as close to ‘normal’ as I usually am. I have managed to carry on this self-delusion because in my somewhat twisted view I have no reason to be falling off the wagon of normality. If I have no reason then it can’t be happening, right? Finances are looking better, husband and I are getting along, and we just came back from a great vacation most people don’t ever get to take. What could possibly be wrong??

Never mind Christmas is coming and our shopping is not quite finished.

Never mind my house is not ready, and I have massive amounts of cleaning to do.

Never mind school is out for the youngest ones and I now have two kids at home under the age of five. Two kids whose sole purpose in life is to beat the crap out of each other while I waste my time trying to separate them.

Never mind as of tomorrow afternoon there will be the oldest added to the mix of bickering and tattling.

Never mind that my psychotic mother has started calling my house, and having other people call me as well, even though she knows I have no desire to talk to her. (I can only guess she has taken a pill or five too many again.)

Never mind that in the midst of all this I have somehow, someway gotten off my antidepressant for almost two full weeks and in the flurry of vacationChristmasshoppingchildren have not even realized it.

No reason at all to be stressed, right? *Snort*

Call to my doctor..check.

Reminder set to email me daily about my med..check.

Looking at it all I’m surprised I’m not pulling my hair out, but until about 30 minutes ago I really thought I was ok.

Just call me the Queen of Denial.

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20 thoughts on “Crashing

  1. I’m so sorry you crashed. But you caught it before Christmas!! So that’s good. And meds are at the ready, so that’s good too!

    I hope you have the best Christmas!!!

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  2. Oh gosh Sara, I’m sorry you got to that point. I think women are naturals at denying it until it’s too late. I do the same thing. I’ll be hunky dory for quite a while and then one day I lock myself in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out. I hope you feel better soon. I’m here, you have my number.

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  3. I am a lurker most of the time, but I had to delurk to tell you I’ve been where you are, except I can’t take the med. Good for you for realizing it, even if it took a bit for you to do it, and to make sure you did what you have to do to take care of yourself. Especially this time of year, we women can be aces at taking care of everyone and everything else, but neglecting ourselves in the process, to detrimental results to our mental health. Hang in there, and I hope your efforts pay off quickly so you can enjoy your Christmas.

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  4. Oh, Sara. I’m so sorry.

    How about keeping your meds somewhere where you’ll see it everyday? I keep my meds next to my toothbrush so that I remember to take it when I brush my teeth in the morning (which is about the same time every day – and important for birth control!). But an e-mail reminder is good. Do you have an alarm on your cellphone or PDA ? You could set that daily, too.

    Hope you feel better soon. I have SO been there. E-mail me anytime. Seriously. I check e-mail all the time so even if I’m not great about blogging or commenting I always check e-mail!

    Take care.

    p.s. Don’t worry about having the house spic and span for the holidays – it’s about family, not presentation. And don’t feel guilty about not talking to your mom. She sounds more destructive than mine (and I didn’t think that was possible).

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  5. I was trying to send a packet to a friend, and was poring carefully over the postage information online… discovered I would have to put a customs declaration form on it! One that seems to want to know how many molecules are in the gift…

    Threw it across the room, lip trembling, and decided I’m not sending it. I wish I knew of an easier way to send a nice surprise to someone overseas – some kind of gift token or something.

    Bad mood? You know, I didn’t think I was, but I think I am. It’s not Christmas I’m angry with, it’s bureaucracy.

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  6. FWIW I had a shitful day too.
    Sorry you crashed. I’m glad you now know you can crash into me, ( I love how I just incorperated some DMB in there)
    Seriously I’m a phone call away 🙂

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  7. You know how you and I were just talking yesterday about the lack of butt kissing between the two of us??
    Girlfriend, I’ll be honest and say I feel a slight temptation to walk down the road and kick you in the behind. Yo yo’ing on the meds is not good for you. Hopefully the email reminder will do the trick, or else I may have to TP your house.

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  8. Oooh, going off meds cold turkey is baaaad. Take it from me. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down, and I hope you can get back to feeling better soon.

    I’ve considered going back on my meds again – the holidays have been tough this year.

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  9. It creeps up on you. Most people probably don’t know they’re in too deep until their head goes under. Take a step back, breath, and take care of yourself!

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  10. i did the exact same thing a couple of weeks ago! so busy, i didn’t realize that i forgot to take it for 10 days! not good.

    i wish we lived closer! take it easy…and take it easy on yourself! you’re only human!

    hope you feel better soon!

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  11. Earlier today I admitted to an old friend that I think I’m depressed. That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. I’m already on meds…for me, I think its the horrible financial strain that HAS NOT GONE AWAY despite selling the house I thought my grandchildren would visit me in and moving into a rental (after fees and whatnot we were suprised that we were 17k upside down in the house).

    I haven’t even mentioned this at my own blog.

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