To Put it Bluntly, Kids Are Assholes.

Oh goodness, did she really just say what I think she said??

Several months ago I was having a bad day and venting to the Queen about my kids. They’d been driving me batty in one form or another, most likely throwing tantrums or doing their daily wrestle-till-someone-takes-it-too-far matches. Whatever the case they had me one Celexa pill away from murder, when she told my something profound, as only she can.

“Oh Sara, kids are just assholes.”

I alternated between shock that she’d just uttered the words out loud, and wanting to laugh my ass off at the sheer truth of them. How many moms haven’t called their kids a name or two under their breath as they dealt with tantrums, school problems, teenage attitudes, or any of the other joys of motherhood? It takes a better woman than I not to think a naughty thought or two when one of my kids has just broken a jelly jar on my kitchen floor, despite repeatedly telling them to get out of the fridge. And that scream I get when my two year old decides he will NOT do whatever I am telling him to do? Yeah, I’m dropping an F-bomb or three in my head then too.

Naturally I had to laugh when my blogging-buddy Cate at Monkeys and Marbles posted a Friday haiku recently mentioning how she loves her son, even when he’s being an asshole. I could appreciate the sentiment, being in the midst of Terrible Two-ness ourselves with Damian. I know Cate is a good mom, like the rest of us she would never say that to or around her son, it’s just a thought that gets her through in the hardest times. We all have our bad moments, and if the worst of them are contained in our heads, I’d say that’s doing pretty darn well.

Apparently one of her readers begged to differ. They left a comment stating “That you would ever call your child an asshole is horrible.” Either they didn’t understand Cate wasn’t ever saying it out loud, or they did and didn’t care. Cate was stung, and felt the need to explain herself, not that I really think the troll deserves it.

You show me a mom who has never thought badly about her kids, and I’ll show you someone who’s never had a two year old.

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70 thoughts on “To Put it Bluntly, Kids Are Assholes.

  1. i really couldn’t have put it better myself! i love my boys dearly, with all of my being….but they have their moments! it’s so good to know i’m not the only mom who thinks her kids can be asshole at times!

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  2. Amen… Although I have to say, two was a breeze compared to three so far. At least the first part of the twos, she was still somewhat agreeable!

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  3. The woman who left that comment can not possibly have (or have ever known) a teenager.

    At least your two year old behaves like that because he doesn’t actually know better. When my 20 and 16 year old wrestle until someone takes it too far, it’s enough to send me straight to the bottle…to crack it over their heads!

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  4. Are you kidding me?! I’ve come up with NEW bad names for my brats, er, boys. *grin*

    Just wait until they hit the tween/teen years. Holy smokes, talk about the mumbling under your breath, the eye rolls and the back talk – and then there are my children’s bad habits to contend with. *grin*

    Seriously. I called my 14-year old son a jerk under my breath one day and he heard me. I was MORTIFIED! And he looked crushed. But honestly? He really was being a jerk. So, I decided to come clean. We talked about it and he left the discussion understanding that just because I’m mom doesn’t mean I’m not human, that I get my feelings hurt and that I lose my temper when he’s being difficult. I think kids need to understand that they have to answer for their behavior and just because they’re having a bad day, it doesn’t give them the right to take it out on the ones in close proximity.

    I still felt horrible, though. And what did I learn? To mumble a bit more quietly. lol

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  5. Can I add my 2 cents and say,”Husbands are assholes, too!”

    Sometimes I think there is just not enough crack in the world to block out the self centered neediness of humanity…

    PS – thanks for making me laugh out loud on a bad day!

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  6. Agreed. I think it is a totally normal thing to secretly call your kids names, when things get hard to handle. I do it. I pride myself on being a patient mother and muttering to myself about my kids misgvings helps me to keep my cool.

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  7. I love that quote. “All kids are assholes”…truer words have ever been spoken.

    And depending on the parents, they sometimes stay assholes forever…the apple doesn’t fall….

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  8. Although my own children are practically perfect in every way 😉 , my sisters and I were capital A Assholes. Once my mother told me her shrink advised her to leave us and never come back because we were so awful. I told her he was right. Lucky for me she just laughed and stayed with her “adorable little pack of rabid wolves”. Ah, the terrible twos, threes, fours… If we couldn’t laugh at them we’d slit our own wrists.

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  9. Oh please – kids ARE assholes. Mine just got done being assholes 5 minutes ago. Now they’re perfect. Until they start up with the assholery again. The troll clearly has either never had a 2-3 year old, is a liar, or is batshit crazy. And an asshole.

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  10. Oh are they ever. Like my five year old mocking me. Niiiiiiice.

    Threes kick it, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Mostly.

    I have thought it too, and agree most of us feel it. There are rare exceptions, but they are rare. The rest is denial…and remember the saying about guilty dogs pointing the finger and throwing the first stone. 😉

    I will call my kids on it. If I’ve been telling them What To Do (you know, positive discipline way) and no avail, I’ll just lay it on the line, “Dude. So rude. So not cool. This calls for a time alone in your room. Come right on back when you can be Pleasant. But not one second before that.”

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  11. I am a decent human being, and I am an asshole at times. It just goes to show that are kids can be the same. Love em dearly, but they can make us crazy.

    Namaste.

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  12. Amen. I’ve used many ca-ca words to my kids in my head. I have a terrible 3, a hair-raising 4.5 and a sneaky 6 year old. Lots of f-bombs in this here brain-o-mine.

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  13. I NORMALLY reserve that special word for children who aren’t mine, or have wronged one of the Monkeys.

    What I tell the (older) Monkeys is, “Hey, That’s NOT how we roll!”
    Recently, my 6 yr. old responded with, “Oh Yeah, Mrs. Farty-pants!”

    Hmmm…….maybe I’ll make an exception. THIS TIME.What a ^*^*&^*&!

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  14. I once got so upset with the all-day LONG antics of my kiddos that I sat them down and said, very calmly, I might add, “Look – you guys are being rude, disobedient, and destructive. That is the behavior of a shithead – and I am not raising you to be little shitheads, so STOP.” My daughter gasped and said, “Mama that’s a BAAAD word,” I said, “I know. And, just so we’re clear – you are NOT a shithead, so stop acting like one.” LOL…sometimes you just have to level with them…IT sunk in with them, because they were good as gold.

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  15. I would never call my kid an asshole.

    Why?

    Because he’s not an asshole. He’s a little shit.

    People need to relax and not take themselves so seriously or they run the chance of becoming exactly what they protest. Assholes.

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  16. This is a great way of explaining motherhood. I try to steer clear of the bad words around mine, but I call the little one “demon spawn’ and “evil baby” all the time. I always say it with a smile and she giggles.

    We’ve always called our kids names. Nothing too severe, but “poopyhead” and “fartface” are pretty regular in our house! There’s nothing more pitiful than a kid crying on the playground because someone called him a “cacahead!” They are too young to be taking themselves so seriously!

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  17. This goes right along with feeling reluctant to say that you love your kids more when they are sleeping. Or that you are counting the minutes until nap/bedtime. Which I do, nearly every day.

    But it is true, kids are assholes. Cute ones, but assholes nonetheless…

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  18. A person who reads that and doesn’t agree on some level is a person either without kids, or doped up on too many sedatives to give a rats ass what her own are doing.

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  19. My daughter and step daughter can be the biggest bitches – but I still love them. There will be a day when I tell my daughter to stop being a bitch as my mother did to me. I never once thought my mother didn’t love me. Like she said all kids can be assholes… and all adults too! We are people – human – imperfect little asshole bitches – right?

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  20. My husband and I mutter to each other about animals eating their young and legalizing child abuse (i’m a survivor of child abuse myself), to lighten the situation when either of us gets to hot headed. We would never actually eat our young or beat them.

    Much. 😉

    Some people are critical and waaaaay too serious. Those are the people who need to laugh the most. I have a low tolerance for people who are dry and can’t ever see the humor in things.

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  21. Hi I am Jessica and I have called my children names in my head. I firmly believe it is ok to think it. I also believe repeating it over and over in your head keeps you from saying it. After the 400th time my child has whined ” I don’t wannaaaaaa” “whiney little brat” just pops in my mind. Not sure why it just does.

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  22. This is why I’m glad I taught before I had children – I knew they were going to be little assholes and that I’d love them anyway. Although it is more difficult when they’re YOUR assholes.

    That said, I try to keep my swears to a minimum around the kids. But the word “brat” may have been uttered a few (hundred) times.

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  23. Oh sheesh.
    I have a couple little assholes myself.
    Now they are not always assholes, it’s selective, and frankly they learned their habits from those who raised them.
    Well I mean their Father of course. 😉

    No, but that being said, as sure as I’m a Mother, my kids can be litle assholes. (Ask the family, my sister is famous for muttering out of earshot my son is an asshole in training, the childless smart ass she is.)

    Now I’d hesitate to say it to their faces, but I can almost bet my life by the time they each turn 16, they’ll have heard it out loud at least once.

    In turn, I’m sure I’ll hear much much worse as they spew their asshole behavior my way as young adults finding their way through life, in fact. if they don’t I won’t have felt I’ve raised them up right.

    Muttering “asshole” after my son throws a freaking matchbox pick up at me, and hitting me square in the forehead… that was his Dad’s back in 1976, you know hard, pointy,metal…Is like meditation, it keeps me from wailing it back at him and saying…”How do you like it?! Yeah that’s right, you wanna ‘nuther?”
    😈

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  24. Hi I agree with ya 100% funnier still is saying it in your head to a child whos autistic and never getting a response anyway-now thats total frustration to the max.And yep the 2s are pretty bad but hey it just keeps going but at different stages and ages,by 10 its not so
    constant anymore just annoying.

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  25. That little phrase pretty much sums it up for why we (Mommies) get so frustrated when those precious little faces become the bottom end of their posteria! Why is it that the male gender tends to not see that the same incidence? Because they are assholes too! Remember they once had a “Mommy” who cuddled, cradled and kept on giving that damn pacifier even after the ripe age of 25.
    At least mine did, what a shock when we moved in together after we were married. I did not think twice to let someone know that he could move back home if he did not like the conditions. No Refrigerator elves, No bedroom elves and no damn take out the garbage elves!

    Remember this…..little assholes have a bigger one around the corner! 😆

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  26. I think the definition of one is a person who shows no regard for or even awareness of the feelings of others…which is pretty much what I understand to be normal development for a child.

    So, yeah.

    Of course, it would be bad to call your child that regularly…and if you find yourself operating on that principle as a basis for your parenting, you’re setting yourself up for a bad relationship.

    But to think it once in a while? Of course!

    You have this beautiful, sweet, amazing life in your care but when you are haven’t had a break from that child in what seems like forever and YOU really need to take a shower or make dinner or whatever and all the kid wants to do is smear cookies in your carpet and write on your wall in permanent marker…yeah, you’re gonna think it…at least fleetingly.

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  27. You know, my kid is 7 and more importantly so are his asshole friends. You haven’t seen assholes until you’ve hung around 7 year old assholes. And, when they’re not being assholes they’re being dicks.

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  28. When my oldest was younger I called him an asshole under my breath constantly. I didn’t like the kid…he was a jackass.

    Nowadays though I call him an asshole out loud. That’s right, when my 16 year old gets me with a real smartass zinger or has me in stitches I’m not afraid to look at him and say “You rotten little asshole I’m cryin’ here!”. It’s a form of endearment for us at this point so there! :p

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  29. you think you are surviving the 2,3,4’s wait till your precious little assholes turn into 15,16,17 year olds they become knowit all i do what i want to do whatever you are the worse mother ever supreme assholes !! I have barely survived 1 and have 1 more to go trying to make it minute by minute

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  30. I must be evil. I told my 12 year daughter she was “being an asshole”. She needed to hear it. It’s not cute to humiliate her 11 year old sister in public by calling her an elephant around a ‘cute boy’ just to look ‘cool’. At what point are kids not just children and need to learn how to be reasonably polite and nice PEOPLE? I have preached ‘do unto others’ until I am blue in the face. She needed to see what she looked like to others. She didn’t look cool at all.

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  31. My daughters are assholes too!!
    Ages 6 and 9.
    I think I am beginning to hate children in general. I had to yell at a little asshole at Pizza Hut last night for eating out of the salad bar with the serving spoon, and I enjoyed yelling at him! I should have whacked him in the head but I decided to be nice.
    My kids are assholes and I blame the root of all childhood evils, the Disney channel.
    And if I had to live my life over again I would make sure I chose to be GAY or preform my own vasectomy. I think I would preform my own vasectomy twice just to be sure nothing bad was going to happen.

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  32. My two assholes are both in timeout, because I don’t care who started it.

    Where is that martini recipe…

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  33. lol, I just found this because I literally googled “what to do when your kid is being an asshole” out of anger & frustration

    *sighs*…I love my kid endlessly but today? ommfg she is such.an.asshole.

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  34. Well, cursing your kid under your breath or behind their backs isn’t all that bad BUT if you do it infront of your kid calling them “Trash” or “Garbage” or something like that it really gets annoying to the child. *I would know haha* They’ll just get more rebellious and by the time you’ve called them an asshole/jerk/trash, they’ll just start ignoring you; or atleast thats how I deal with it.

    PS: Yes, I’m a teenager and my mom DOES call me shit but I don’t really give a nutshell now. I mean, who cares right? She says something, goes into one ear, out the other. Just like talkin’ to a tree.

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  35. Funny what comes up when you type in the Google search box, “my kids are assholes.”

    I really thought I was the only one to think that.

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  36. who would ever neglect children like this and call them assholes? None of you people have the patience required to be a parent. Who do you think any of you are calling your kids assholes? My mother called me an asshole today and it lowers my self esteem, and it sets an example that shows me my mom is truly not fit for parenting, and none of you people are if you think calling your kid an asshole, get some common sense.

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  37. Come on now and cut the sugar coating… Anyone who claims they haven’t thought their children are not punks, jerks, etc… It all leads to the same out come… An asshole. I am a single dad who has raised two kids from ages 4 & 18 months to now they are 14 and 17. The oldest always treats me with respect and listens to what I have to say. The younger one swears at me, calls me names, and acts like an ASSHOLE every time he gets a chance. I don’t blame him; because I can see what the dirt bag he calls mom fills his head full of. So in retrospective, no the kids are not assholes, they are just acting on what they see and hear from their roll models… There parents. I guess that would make us the ASSHOLES!

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  38. wow. i think this is cultural. maybe you people should learn how to raise your children so that they dont act like the entitled, selfish spawn that they grow up to be. i have an even better idea, DONT BREED. Children do not ask to be born, think about it. If your kid is being an asshole maybe you are not teaching them discipline. Funny how in some cultures, yes, believe it or not, Children respect their parents and wouldnt dream of acting out. Thats what spankings, punishment are for. We will not begin to be a better country until we admit that we are not perfect and change the way we do things. Some of you sound bitter and pathetic. Take responsibility for yours! Some asshole here is blaming the Disney Channel, wow, how pathetic. And you wonder why us Americans look so bad internationally. Ever heard of changing the channel? Or, God Forbid, READING>>??!?!?

    It all makes sense. Entitled cultures and subcultures of people whose pillars are made of sand. Its evident in our education, politics and media. How sad.

    Good luck with Divorce and Old Age. Lemme know how it feels when your children hate you and wont even drive you to the retirement home.

    Losers, maybe you should think before you F*cK. But then, what were all those years at University, Sorority and Fraternity for? KEEP BREEDING you hateful morons.

    P.S.

    Please dont complain when the younger generations get tired of taking care of you and all your ponzi schemes after decades of horrible parenting.

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  39. Kids are total assholes. I have one. She’s 3. I love her, but she’s a fucking jerk. She’ll grow out of it… but right now she sucks. All 3 year olds suck.

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  40. my 6 kids drive me crazy every day am pretty much a single dad my wife sleeps all day and goes to bingo all nite so am stuck with the devil kids all the time

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  41. Reading the comments in this thread just reinforces my decision never to be friends with moms. I never have and never will find children disrespecting their parents funny, so to see that the moms here think it’s so funny just makes me sad.

    For the record, I don’t have kids and never want to have them so yes, I am one of those icky “childless” people moms gossip about to other moms like they’re talking about the unpopular girl with coke-bottle glasses and a back brace.

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  42. Well I thought my kids were great when they were little but guess what they grew up and they turned into assholes. I can’t see where I went wrong. I have three daughters 27, 22 and 18, I wish they were small again. Neither my husband or I drank or smoked. We both work hard everyday and provided them with everything they needed but tried not to spoil them. Now they all drink and smoke and who knows what else. We always tried to make sure they were happy and had plans for them explaining that they had to work hard for what they wanted but I get lied to and dollared to death. I stopped giving anything out as of tonight when I was asked to borrow twenty and she took eighty. I could care less if they all hate me from this point on. Its either this or I just give up and let them take over!! I feel lie I have been beaten in a long battle. Is it the generation of today or what? Oh and yes Joe you are indeed an ASSHOLE.

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  43. It’s too funny to me to see that parents already think of their children as assholes when they’re still toddlers. If I’d read comments like those 12-15 years ago, I would have thought “how horrible” that is to say about your own child.
    NOW my eldest is 17, and he’s the most stubborn, selfish, smart-mouthed, ungrateful asshole I know! He’s the kind of teenager, with his attitude of “I’m better and smarter than you” so infuriating, that if he weren’t my own, I would wonder what the hell was wrong with his parents for obviously not raising him to show respect and self-discipline. Since I know how he was raised and how I did my best (and my other two boys [15 and 7] are sweet, loving, compassionate individuals), all I can wonder now is “where did we go wrong?” Shakespeare said it best in King Lear: “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is
    To have a thankless child!” I just hope with all of my heart that one day he’ll mature into a kind and loving adult, more reflective of his two-year-old self that I dearly miss!

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  44. I actually googled my kids are assholes after a long mornig of…going in the fridge, jumping on the bed, stepping on a moist and gooey m&m, getting slapped (acidentally during a sibling rivalry match between my 3 year old and 2 year old). Between the non stop chasing, catching, changing, feeding and receiving little thanks (as they are to young to appreciate my frustration) I had to find out if anyopne else had these thoughts. I’ll admit it. MY KIDS ARE ASSHOLES. If you looked up toddler in the dictionary, the definition would be assshole, and my kids two beautiful faces would be smiling right back at ya. You love them but I agree..if your not frustrated, tired, and muttering obsenities under your breath..you ARE NOT doing it right, and your just not mom. Thanks for making my day. I’m not alone 🙂

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  45. As far as the comments about spanking..remember that every time you spank your kids you now run the risk of having some ignorant(usually childless) moron calling dcf or the cops on you. They have taken away our right to punish. And before we start the witch hunt..spanking IS NOT the same as abusing your child. As a victim of long term child abuse I would never EVER beat my children. A spanking is a last resort and strangly enough, since we have stopped this practice the way kids act has gone progressivly downhill..why would they behave when moron mcdogooder will call the police on you for a swat on the rear?

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  46. I am a 30 year old mother of three, ages 10, 8 and 4. I do understand completely that children can be assholes and for any adult it is unrealistic to say that you have never thought of calling them that or muttered it,gone in a different room to say it out loud or even vented to a friend or family member on the phone about it. Children will press your buttons and parents are only human!
    I do have a question that I feel is very upsetting to me and would like to hear the feedback.
    My situation is….

    My eight year old son had stitches in his head when he was three. We were explaining to my my four year old to stop playing on his chair at the table because he could fall and hurt himself. While my 8 year old was telling him his experience while getting stitches, my long time/live in boyfriend said out loud that he was a “Nancy” because he had cried, and “freaked out” while all this was happening to him. Even though my son did not hear what he had said, I took a very big offense to this and felt I needed to defend my son. I told him that under no circumstances is an adult calling a child names o.k., and I felt that my son deserved an apology for what had been said and reassured that name calling is wrong. He became very upset that I took offensive to this matter and said ” I have the right to my opinion and nothing you say will change that, I am not going to apologize for having an opinion”. He told me that I “need to get over it” and “let it go”. Granted everyone does have the right the their opinion but I feel he has crossed a very big line and believe that his words were unacceptable. I don’t feel that this is something I can just “let go”.
    I would love to hear other peoples comments on this and what they think on this matter.

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  47. My 13 year daughter is changing terribly recently and I hate it so badly!!! She refuses to get up in the morning, constently misses school bus; becomes lazier, and more selfish; her grades drop sharply; all she cares are how she looks, more shopping, or socializing with friends.
    I never thought of calling her any bad names before. But now I have many for hers in my head, this morning I just can not help calling her “trush” out loud in front of her face… She was stunned, but I know she will not change easily. *SIGH*

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  48. I have been calling my kids this all day, but only to my husband, God and myself. I am not planning on saying it to them they are 15-boy 18 – boy and 21 -girl, and lately they have been jerks, nimrods, assholes, what ever you would like to fit in the blank.
    I was the unfortunate parent who had 3 perfect 2 year olds, I am serious they were angels on earth, compliant and just adorable, but now that they are teens and one young adult, all the greatness is gone, they are disrespectful, know- it – alls, and I am basically done for a while anyway. If they don’t like the food I make – tough, if they are out of underwear- oh well!?!- they are not going to complain to me about anything any more , I have told my husband I am done. I will cook and clean, but not wait on them anymore. The party is over.

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    1. my 21 y/o just texted me and said , “Hey mom I hope you’re okay” . That makes me soften right away and feel better, although the jerkiness will return again as it does with all of us. Venting about it and reading what others are venting made me feel so much better. Thank you all for your honesty.

      Like

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