Depression- A View From the Inside

Imagine waking up one day and looking out the window to very gray skies. Rain is coming, and there will be no playing outdoors today. All you want to do is stay under your blankets where it is warm, but life calls.

You get up, but you are tired. Breakfast time, but nothing sounds good, even your favorite 3-cheese omelet. It will probably just add another 5lbs anyways, why bother? Grab a Pepsi and chug it, waiting for the rush of caffeine and sugar. Ahhh, a little bit of energy, finally. Only 6:20 and kids are whining for juice, breakfast, a different cartoon. Holy hell, I only just woke up, lay off already!! Do what needs done and collapse in the chair. Maybe they’ll leave you alone for 5 minutes now.

Nope. Diaper changes, spilled milk, the dryer buzzer goes off. The phone rings, the dogs want in-out-in-out. The kids have the tv up too loud, AGAIN. Turn it down before I unplug the damn thing! There is a list of things to do before naptime, but the list has disappeared, like everything else these days. Keys? Debit card? Hairbrush? The dryer gnomes got them all; they are nowhere to be found. You know you should clean the bathrooms, only the chair feels so good and you are so tired, the bathrooms aren’t going anywhere. Do it tomorrow. The phone rings again, it’s the cable company with a polite reminder your bill is overdue. Shit, shit, shit!! I knew I forgot something!

Naptime is far too short, and if they don’t nap at all your day has just sunk like the Titanic. You try not to snap at the kids, but every sound grates on you. Best to ignore them for awhile. Whats on tv? Oh, look at that, it’s nearly 5. Did you just say 5? Hubby is on his way home and will be expecting dinner. The thought of cooking is as appealing as the thought of taking a vegetable peeler to your fingers. Frozen pizza, again. Hubby comes in annoyed- didn’t we have pizza Monday? Did you call so-and-so? Did you remember to pick up…. from the store? No? What did you do all day? *sigh* Another day you can’t do a single thing right, so why try? Why? Because something is not right, you know it isn’t. You want to have your energy back, you want to play with your kids, you want to feel more than just tired and anxious all. the. fucking. time.

This is depression, from the inside.

(Note to readers, I am fine, but had a really bad day Sunday, and was inspired to write this post, which has been a draft in my head for months now.)

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33 thoughts on “Depression- A View From the Inside

  1. Don’t feel like you’re alone. Get some Omega 3 fish oil-IT WORKS. I was on every kind of med your doc can think of for depression,and this is the only thing that worked~ plus its good for you. I know how you feel,and I can help.Please just try it for 1 week. You’re very pretty BTW!!!

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  2. I appreciate everyone’s concern, I REALLY do. I am fine, this was actually a post I’ve been wanting to write for some time to share my experiences, a friend recently asked me to finally do it, as she feels she may be going through this as well. I promise you, there is nothing to be worried about for either of us. 🙂

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  3. We’ve all been there! I hope today is a better day. I usually need to go do something for myself to take a breather and gain some perspective. Maybe someone could watch the kids for a bit while you go get a pedicure! 😉

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  4. It’s so familiar…I remember having those days, weeks, months.

    It takes time to get out of that dark place–but there is a way out…it’s just not always the same for everyone. You capture that feeling so well, Sara…and I hope in doing so, you help others to realize that it’s not hopeless–it’s depression.

    Warmly,
    Peg

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  5. I can’t even begin to tell you how impressed I am with this post. I’ve read a lot of different posts about moms with depression and not one of them even came close to describing what I’ve felt.

    I’ve wanted to post for a long time about my depression, but haven’t been able to explain it or find the words. This was seriously phenomenal.

    Lately most of my days have been good days, only occasionally dotted with bad days. Sometimes I think that makes the bad days even more difficult because I want the good days back.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  6. I hear you…loud and clear. I’ve been writing a post on depression…been working on it for weeks now….can’t seem to finish it….can’t seem to publish it….it’s tough…..

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  7. Boy, can I relate to this. I’ve battled depression since I was 12. I went off medication to have babies. I did fine until I had 3 in 3 1/2 years. The third baby was sick a lot, hubby traveled, and I was very overwhelmed. I can remember having many days like these. I’m so grateful that my meds keep me on level ground. Kudos to you for such an honest post.

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  8. Sarah, have you been to my house or something? 🙂 Very accurate description. No dramatics, just…that.

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  9. It sounds like you know that tomorrow (or the next day – well… one day) there will be relief – but I know that doesn’t make the here and now any better.

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  10. Many people suffer from depression. When it happens to you, it’s so easy to think you are the only person in the world who feels this way. Well thats how I felt anyway.

    A dark place where I would never like to be again…

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  11. I have written this, too. I wrote it to release some of the shit that’d accumulated in my brain. The problem with THAT is that people then assume you’re ready to slit your wrists, or give the kids the nyquil. It’s not THAT bad, it just sucks to get up … Every…. single…..day.

    I’m right there with ya. Truly.

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  12. and as a Ps _ Thanks for writing it, because it really does help me to know that I’m not the world’s worst mom for feeling like this. Seriously.

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  13. I’ve had days like that.

    Thank God it wa sonly a day here and a day there. I cannotimagine living like that day after day.

    Sometimes I think, that medicine is not the answer to depression. So I am probably going against the grain here. In situations like that – it seems as though some kind of physical life change is necessary.

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  14. Hmmmm, I think we share the same kids and Hubby. Scary I know. In that case do you think you could keep them all this week? 😉

    Honestly though, I can completely relate and know what an emotional suck it all is each day. I’m sorry you have to deal with it and if I can ever do anything to make your day brighter (I’ve been told I’m kinda funny for an Amazon) let me know.

    Big hugz hun

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  15. Wow…that sounds like most of my days! But, I just feel like I have ADD most of the time and things would be easier if I could focus more.

    …and the bathroom can TOTALLY wait until tomorrow!

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  16. very enlightening – thanks for sharing I have days or maybe hours like this too. I guess by now you are doing much better as you stated.
    There’s nothing like getting it off your chest or out of the draft in your mind.
    I do this !
    I have learned it is completely normal to reach breaking point and when you do, to have the ability to remove yourself from your children for a moment and ask for help from your husband or friend -this is what matters.

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  17. Just barely got to this blog so am posting on something old, but hey, been there. I remember two years ago, locking myself in the bathroom at work while pumping breast milk and crting uncontrollably. Bad days, bad weeks, we none of us are alone. Great post!

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  18. These are the words that describe all my days since the kids were born. Even if I tried to speak my mind I couldn’t have found better words. A 10 minute break everyday helps me getting up every day. I let my kids play and I watch them without letting them see me. It’s the best break I can take. It relaxes me to see them happy, healthy and laughing.

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  19. Oh, I have been there. I battled on and off depression for over 9 years, and even now, sometimes it creeps around the edges of my life. At its lowest point, I was depressed to the point that I fantasized about suicide.

    Thank for your honesty and sharing your story. I know when I started sharing my pain with others, it helped both me and them, particularly when I talked with other women who had suffered from depression.

    One thing that greatly helped me reclaim my life was putting myself first. It may sound heretical, but by taking care of me, and my needs, and my health and wellbeing, I served everyone around me: my family and children, too, and not just myself. This is how I live today: mothering and nurturing myself as well as I mother and nurture my children.

    Best,
    Karly Pitman

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  20. Great post, I can really relate. I have written something similar. It was an email to someone explaining how I was feeling that day. I think I might make it into a post. I think when we read things like this from others, it makes us not feel so isolated, or panicked that’s there’s something seriously “wrong” with us. Everyone has days like these. So, did you get through the day without killing anyone? SWEET!

    visit me @ http://beingbooga.com

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  21. As someone who battles depression, with suicidal tendencies, as someone who knows a lot of people with serious depression, this did not read like “depression” to me at all. Every mom has days like this. Not every mom feels like I do.

    Depression from the inside, for every person I know who has been diagnosed by a professional as having Depression, sounds like this:

    Utter, deep hopelessness. An inner death. Nothing brings amusement, entertainment, promise, optimism, relief. All you want to do is sleep forever. You start to wonder if your kids would be better off with you gone. You wonder if maybe they’d be better off gone with you, so they didn’t have to be motherless. You cannot imagine it ever getting better. It’s always, always, always going to be this dark, this living hell. Your mind is a chaos of thoughts fighting with each other. You vaguely remember happier times but you can’t really remember the feelings of being happy. You just logically know that you were, must have been, happier at some point in your life. But never again.

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  22. Glad to hear it was just one off day. Hang in there girl… and remember, EVERY Mama deserves a break now and then! Call a sitter when you get one of those days, and tell your husband to deal with dinner. You DO deserve it!

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