Imagine waking up one day and looking out the window to very gray skies. Rain is coming, and there will be no playing outdoors today. All you want to do is stay under your blankets where it is warm, but life calls.
You get up, but you are tired. Breakfast time, but nothing sounds good, even your favorite 3-cheese omelet. It will probably just add another 5lbs anyways, why bother? Grab a Pepsi and chug it, waiting for the rush of caffeine and sugar. Ahhh, a little bit of energy, finally. Only 6:20 and kids are whining for juice, breakfast, a different cartoon. Holy hell, I only just woke up, lay off already!! Do what needs done and collapse in the chair. Maybe they’ll leave you alone for 5 minutes now.
Nope. Diaper changes, spilled milk, the dryer buzzer goes off. The phone rings, the dogs want in-out-in-out. The kids have the tv up too loud, AGAIN. Turn it down before I unplug the damn thing! There is a list of things to do before naptime, but the list has disappeared, like everything else these days. Keys? Debit card? Hairbrush? The dryer gnomes got them all; they are nowhere to be found. You know you should clean the bathrooms, only the chair feels so good and you are so tired, the bathrooms aren’t going anywhere. Do it tomorrow. The phone rings again, it’s the cable company with a polite reminder your bill is overdue. Shit, shit, shit!! I knew I forgot something!
Naptime is far too short, and if they don’t nap at all your day has just sunk like the Titanic. You try not to snap at the kids, but every sound grates on you. Best to ignore them for awhile. Whats on tv? Oh, look at that, it’s nearly 5. Did you just say 5? Hubby is on his way home and will be expecting dinner. The thought of cooking is as appealing as the thought of taking a vegetable peeler to your fingers. Frozen pizza, again. Hubby comes in annoyed- didn’t we have pizza Monday? Did you call so-and-so? Did you remember to pick up…. from the store? No? What did you do all day? *sigh* Another day you can’t do a single thing right, so why try? Why? Because something is not right, you know it isn’t. You want to have your energy back, you want to play with your kids, you want to feel more than just tired and anxious all. the. fucking. time.
This is depression, from the inside.
(Note to readers, I am fine, but had a really bad day Sunday, and was inspired to write this post, which has been a draft in my head for months now.)