How NOT to Get the Hookup, in Case You Ever Wondered.

I got a message on Myspace awhile back from an ex. Not like a REAL ex, just a we-went-together-for-a-month-when-I-was-15 kind of ex. I remembered him right away, he was a sweetheart way back when, if a little dorky. Not so much anymore, at least according to his pics. I’m not sure when it happened, but this ex got hot! So when he emailed asking how I was and saying great I looked, I admit I was tickled. And hey, I like catching up with old friends, nothing wrong with that, right?

We started IM’ing a bit here and there, nothing regular, and he was a bit flirty, but I always put the can on it quick- usually the words I used were “Save it for the single chicks!”, and he’d laugh. Only last night he started IM’ing me and it went a bit differently. After a bit of chit-chat he suggests we should get together and catch up on old times. Did I mention he is still in VA, over 1,000 miles away and I am MARRIED?? Bit of a long drive for a lunch date, no?

I remind him of this and his words were, loosely quoted, “You don’t want to catch up again? What, was the sex that bad?? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ” Oh. My. God. No he didn’t! This my friends is where I realized he made about the biggest mistake a guy can make. He’d remembered my name, but didn’t remember us actually dating. How do I know this? I never slept with him.

After giving it about 2.5 seconds of thought, I decided a lesson was in order. I told him the encounter was AWFUL, that he’d lasted about 3 minutes and it was about the worst sex I’d ever had. He got quiet, then said something about people changing. I literally was in tears laughing my ass off as I told him no, the sex was THAT bad, there were no second chances, and then with the final blow told him I wouldn’t sleep with him if I were divorced and he was literally the last man on earth. Dead. Silence.

I was tempted to sign off after that, but decided it would have been no good if he didn’t know the mistake he’d made. I fessed up, and told him if he ever wanted to score with a female he might try actually remembering who she was and what went on between them. He tried to cover saying he knew we hadn’t hooked up and he was playing along, but he was full of it, there was no faking that one. I blocked him from my IM and called it a day.

I don’t expect he’ll be trying to look up any other old girlfriends for a little while ๐Ÿ˜‰

Posted in Old

20 thoughts on “How NOT to Get the Hookup, in Case You Ever Wondered.

  1. You must be flattered though? no? An ex – thinking of you and calling you up. He probably felt like he needed to make up for lost time – since he looks better now. He wants to relive his past. Maybe he remembered you, and knew you didn’t ever sleep together but used that line as a joke – but to open up that subject haha. Not that that is any better – but maybe he did remember you.

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  2. OH. MY. GOSH. That is too funny. I’ve often tried to see if my geeky ex turned out not-geeky, but apparently I’m the only one of my generation (that I knew as a kid) that believes in them there internets.

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  3. Great post! Who hits on a married woman and doesn’t even remember if he had sex with her? lol I think you handled it the best way…a blow to his ego. Gets them every time.

    I just wanted to say that I love your blog and have been reading it almost daily now.

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  4. Hilarious!! I recently caught up with an old high school flame via email and while he didn’t try to hit on me, he did try really hard to impress me with details of his *fabulous* life. After about 3 email exchanges we realized we had absolutely nothing to say to each other.

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