Did you know you can make New Years Resolutions in July? Ok, maybe you are not actually supposed to, but I decided if they can have Christmas in July sales at stores, than dangit I should be allowed another shot at my New Years Resolutions that same month. It’s either that or I rig my blog to play “Oh Holy Night”, which most of us generally get our fill of between Thanksgiving and December 1st.

So as usual my goal was to lose a few inches off a couple key areas of the female anatomy (ladies, you know what they are). Not only did I fail to achieve this between January and July, somehow those inches I wanted to lose multiplied and had babies all over my butt and thighs. I figured there had to be some mistake when during the last round of PMS, suddenly not even my fat pants fit…Is that even possible??? You know what I mean, the pants you only drag out when AF makes her visit. The ones you normally are not caught dead in, because they make you look, well, fat?! Yeah, those bad boys went on strike and suddenly I could not button them, and was relegated to wearing yoga pants for several days. In September you can pull that off, because all the moms are wearing them, pretending we are all going to the gym after dropping our kids off at school, when in fact we are going straight back home, or if we are really ambitious, taking our toddlers to Target. In July, you can’t even lie about it, its too hot. Everyone knows you just cannot fit into your normal clothes.

So whats a girl to do but dust off the treadmill and start using it again? In a fit of desperation, I get on the treadmill, and off I go. I actually like using it, but for whatever reason I have a hard time motivating myself to actually get on it. Maybe its that I really hate to sweat, and I’m not such a fan of exercise either. People like Denise Austin drive me batty, they act like doing painful crunches is better than sex. Heck, maybe if there were orgasms involved people would love to work out and we wouldn’t have weight problems. If I could get off once after every 10-20 minutes on the treadmill not only would they have to put me in a 12 step program to stop, I’d wind up with a better body than Camen Electra! But I digress…

So I get on, and after a few minutes start to remember why I like using the treadmill. I get into that zone where I can feel the burn, but its a good burn, not a painful burn. I am almost done when I decide to get all Denise Austin-y and try to run for awhile. It took me approximately 10 seconds to realize that the water balloons strapped to the back of my thighs and practically hitting me in the back were not water balloons at all, but my own ass cheeks. My butt was bouncing, and it HURT! OMG! My butt is not supposed to bounce!!!! WTF??? Seriously, no one was around, but the humiliation was still even worse than the yoga pants in July. No wonder people hate going to the gym and would rather sit home and wear yoga pants! Had this happened in public I’d have died. And whats worse is deep down I know the only way to shrink my behind is to endure more of the very thing that causes the bouncing. Argggg!

Don’t they make sports bras for your butt? Something that would squeeze your cheeks together, not only holding them in place, but flattening them and making them look 2 sizes smaller? Seems to me if Victorias Secret could make such a garment they’d sell like hotcakes. A smaller rear that doesn’t bounce? Sign me up, as long as it means no more yoga pants, at least until September.