Man, How Fragile Art Thou Ego.

What is it about the male ego? What is this inner drive they possess that makes them not just a normal person, but a sweat-soaked, testosterone-driven, strong as an ox, and hung like a bull, god-in-their-own-mind? And why do they turn into sniveling babies if anyone so much as hints they are anything less? And why are they so damn scared of skin care products??

I was in Target tonight when I happened to catch a glance at a new skin care line for men. I wouldn’t have even realized it was there had the words “Anti-Pale Skin Moisturizer” not jumped out at me. Anti-pale skin?? I’ve seen anti-redness creams, but never anti-pale stuff. Wtf? So I read further- “Provides gradual, natural looking color.” It took me a second to realize what I was actually looking at was sunless tanning lotion for men! Seems we have to be very careful with the wording, because I guess the male ego just could not handle using something with the words ‘tanning lotion’ in it? So now its not sunless tanning lotion, its anti-pale skin moisturizer. Riiiiiight. Anyone else find this funny? Just a little? Actually if you want a real good laugh, the directions further explain that you will see “maximum anti-pale, anti-pasty benefit within a week of twice-daily usage”. Gosh forbid ya just tell the guys they will start to see a little color on their face within a week. I checked my bottle of sunless tanning lotion, btw, and nowhere do the words “anti-pasty benefit” show up.

Naturally I had to check out this product line, and the madness continues. Men do not use things that make their skin fresh it seems, they use “Power Clean Anti-Dullness Face Wash”. (Sounds like something my husband would clean his car with.) Feeling dry? Try the “Hydrapower Invigorating Moisturizer”, or if you have combination skin, how about the “Oil Controller Anti-Oiliness Moisturizer”. And we must have our “Power Buff Anti-Ruffness Exfoliator”.

Is it just me or does all this stuff sound more like something you’d find in a garage than a medicine cabinet?

What are guys so afraid of that they actually have to market it this way to get them to use basic products. My husband is just as guilty, he could use a little moisturizer after shaving, and he actually uses the same soap on his face as on his body. But he won’t, and why? Is it too much trouble? Would the guys make fun of him if they found out? Would his penis shrivel up and fall off if it suspected he were using the same type of product as your wife?(Who has much better skin than him btw.)

Maybe women just have anti-ego, anti-don’t give a damn protection built right in? Too bad Loreal couldn’t bottle and sell THAT for men!

Do They Make Sports Bras For Your Butt?

Did you know you can make New Years Resolutions in July? Ok, maybe you are not actually supposed to, but I decided if they can have Christmas in July sales at stores, than dangit I should be allowed another shot at my New Years Resolutions that same month. It’s either that or I rig my blog to play “Oh Holy Night”, which most of us generally get our fill of between Thanksgiving and December 1st.

So as usual my goal was to lose a few inches off a couple key areas of the female anatomy (ladies, you know what they are). Not only did I fail to achieve this between January and July, somehow those inches I wanted to lose multiplied and had babies all over my butt and thighs. I figured there had to be some mistake when during the last round of PMS, suddenly not even my fat pants fit…Is that even possible??? You know what I mean, the pants you only drag out when AF makes her visit. The ones you normally are not caught dead in, because they make you look, well, fat?! Yeah, those bad boys went on strike and suddenly I could not button them, and was relegated to wearing yoga pants for several days. In September you can pull that off, because all the moms are wearing them, pretending we are all going to the gym after dropping our kids off at school, when in fact we are going straight back home, or if we are really ambitious, taking our toddlers to Target. In July, you can’t even lie about it, its too hot. Everyone knows you just cannot fit into your normal clothes.

So whats a girl to do but dust off the treadmill and start using it again? In a fit of desperation, I get on the treadmill, and off I go. I actually like using it, but for whatever reason I have a hard time motivating myself to actually get on it. Maybe its that I really hate to sweat, and I’m not such a fan of exercise either. People like Denise Austin drive me batty, they act like doing painful crunches is better than sex. Heck, maybe if there were orgasms involved people would love to work out and we wouldn’t have weight problems. If I could get off once after every 10-20 minutes on the treadmill not only would they have to put me in a 12 step program to stop, I’d wind up with a better body than Camen Electra! But I digress…

So I get on, and after a few minutes start to remember why I like using the treadmill. I get into that zone where I can feel the burn, but its a good burn, not a painful burn. I am almost done when I decide to get all Denise Austin-y and try to run for awhile. It took me approximately 10 seconds to realize that the water balloons strapped to the back of my thighs and practically hitting me in the back were not water balloons at all, but my own ass cheeks. My butt was bouncing, and it HURT! OMG! My butt is not supposed to bounce!!!! WTF??? Seriously, no one was around, but the humiliation was still even worse than the yoga pants in July. No wonder people hate going to the gym and would rather sit home and wear yoga pants! Had this happened in public I’d have died. And whats worse is deep down I know the only way to shrink my behind is to endure more of the very thing that causes the bouncing. Argggg!

Don’t they make sports bras for your butt? Something that would squeeze your cheeks together, not only holding them in place, but flattening them and making them look 2 sizes smaller? Seems to me if Victorias Secret could make such a garment they’d sell like hotcakes. A smaller rear that doesn’t bounce? Sign me up, as long as it means no more yoga pants, at least until September.

Pissing Contests..Errr..Birthday Parties That Is

Its that time of year again, the August babies are getting ready to turn 3, and the posts have started on the message boards. Predictable stuff, as we have done this every birthday, Christmas, and other gift-worthy holiday since they were conceived, and I get to read this stuff on several different boards no less as I belong to 3 of them.

What are you doing for your August baby’s birthday?
As usual the answers begin to get more elaborate as the posts go on, with a few normal answers thrown in for good measure. I’m waiting for someone to announce they are hiring an actual circus, complete with lions and elephants.

What are you getting your August baby for their gift?
“Oh, I’m only getting them {insert list of 20 $10 items} but the relatives will be buying them the big {insert $300 item} as we are trying to keep it small this year.” As the posts go on, I guess the tension starts to build, and you start to see several comments about how “There are x-number of kids coming, so I know they will plenty of gifts from them”, as apparently the thought of their child only getting a couple of gifts is enough that they start to worry someone will call CPS.

What kind of cake will your August baby have?
This is where it starts to split, with an equal number naming off popular cartoon characters, and the other half doing only homemade, from scratch, dye-free, all natural ingredients. To be fair one of the communities is very crunchy, but even their eccentricities get a bit funny.

So as much as I’ve been trying to simplify and declutter my life lately, I admit the usual pissing contests, excuse me, “birthday party plans” posts are looking more absurd to me than usual. I am trying to keep things small and simple, and it seems like everyone else is doing treasure hunts, circuses, huge theme parties complete with performers, yada yada yada. As for us, its close friends and family coming over for cake and ice cream. No BBQ, no animals, no performers.

Don’t worry, we are taking the money we save and sticking it right into his therapy fund. This kids gonna need it with all the big productions we won’t be hosting.

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