Month: June 2012

Return of the ‘Who I Am’ Blog Meme

Way back in the day, when blogging was fun and not something we did because advertisers paid us to, we used to do funny little blog memes. Present a topic, write your post, and then tag others and challenge them to do the same. I haven’t seen this done for awhile(or maybe I just don’t do enough blog-reading these days!) but seeing a post on Reddit tonight that asked the basic question “Who are you?”, it kind of inspired me to want to bring this back.

Who I Am…

I am a 33 year old woman

I am a computer geek by profession, and a blogger who blogs constantly, but writes little, and I want to change that.

I am smart. Like, REALLY fucking smart. Unfortunately those brains did not come with a lot of common sense, which I didn’t seem to acquire until my late 20’s.

I am married to an Irish guy, and after knowing each other for 5 years, his accent still drives me crazy. He works from home because he likes being his own boss, and I pretend there are benefits to this, but the fact is if I let him work outside the home women will start throwing their panties at him every time he opens his mouth. I’m not kidding, the accent is just that. damn. sexy.

Thanks to a very nasty divorce, I am a non-custodial mother, which still sounds really odd. It’s been this way for 2 1/2 years now, and I am pretty used to it by now. That doesn’t make it any easier, but I am far enough out to be able to see the positives of the situation. I often jokingly call myself the Disneyland mom- have fun with them on the weekends, and then send them home for the crappy parts of the job.

As of today I am also the mother of a 14 year old. This really doesn’t seem possible, as I am far too young for this. She must have skipped a few years when I wasn’t looking.

I love animals way too much, and am the owner of a rat, a bunch of tiger barbs, and a frog named ‘Asshole Frog’.

I know absolutely, positively, without a doubt that I do not have herpes in any form.

I have never broken a bone.

I tend to step up and take a leadership role in organizing events not because I enjoy the job, but because I want to see things happen and get frustrated when no one else will do it.

I have lost 14lbs in the last 6 weeks, and am committed to a low-carb lifestyle. I can’t even really say committed, it just IS what is normal for me now. Poor Paul is having a harder time of the adjustment, but is doing well with his own weight loss.

I am terrible speaking in front of groups or when I am put on the spot. In fact, I really hate large crowds in general, they make me anxious.

I used to deal with depression, complete with therapy and medication, but it has been completely gone since my divorce. Draw your own conclusions.

I am a voracious reader who was often told to put the book down and go play outside as a child. I read my first Stephen King book at the age of 9, and was reading on a college level by the time I was 10.

I am not a tv watcher, I think most of it is stupid and mind-numbing, and am very picky about the series I do watch. We have one television in the house and do not subscribe to cable.

I am always right. Even when I’m not, I am.

I love being 33, and feel like life is only getting better, even with the occasional challenges.

So, who are YOU? I do hereby tag Selina, Heather, Paul, April, and anyone else who wants to play.

The One Where I Bare My Soul to the Internet About Being a Fat-Ass

I had a breakdown recently. Not a omg off to the loony-bin! one, but a very, very emotional low point for me. Why? My weight.

It was one of those things that started out as something completely different, just a fight that Paul and I had over…crap, I couldn’t even tell you what. I think it started as a bad day and I said something or he said something and then a lot of things were said, some that probably shouldn’t have been. You know the kind, every married couple has them.

As the argument escalated and feelings were hurt, I came to the sudden conclusion that every problem I had, with my marriage or myself, was because I had become an absolute fat-ass. And then the tears started, and wouldn’t stop. It was a sobbing, self-loathing, torrential cry where Paul tried to comfort me despite the nasty fight we’d had, and the more I thought about the way I looked, and the insecurity I had because of how I looked, the worse it got. It was not pretty.

My friends and family who love me would tell me not to worry, I’m a pretty girl, I just weigh a little more than I am comfortable with. At 5’3, I had topped out at 165lbs. Overweight by BMI standards, and just shy of being classified as obese. I had about a year ago bought size 14 pants after my size 12’s got too tight. These were my ‘fat pants’, and yet now they were getting tight as well. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I hated looking in the mirror, and I was getting to the point that I hated taking my clothes off in front of my husband, which gets a little awkward when you love that sort of activity as much as I do. In short, I was completely miserable with myself, and it was starting to carry over into other areas of my life, including my marriage.

Once I calmed down and my nose stopped running so much(fuck I am ugly when I cry!), I made a decision that I was done being a fat-ass. I would work on getting my weight down, and my self-esteem up. There was no reason for me to be as I was – I know how to lose weight. I’ve done it before. It’s only allowing myself to fall into habits like stress-eating and cheese danishes and endless cans of Coke that causes me to get this way. And my self-image needs some work, for sure. Paul pointed out to me that night that he has about the same amount of weight to lose as I do, but I don’t see him the way I see myself. He looks like he’s gained a tiny bit, but it’s barely noticeable. Yet I can look in the mirror myself and see nothing but the ginormous cow I swore I’d never be. I don’t see other people this way, just me. Because no matter how big they are, even if they are twice my size, they don’t seem as big as I am. Logically it makes no sense, but feelings rarely do.

My resolve to change started the very next day. For me this meant starting back on a low carb lifestyle, and cutting out those beloved cans of Coke cold-turkey. I’ve used low carb to lose weight before and never had an issue, but for some reason this time I developed what we call ‘keto flu’, causing me headaches, shakiness and muscle aches for about 24 hours while I pretty much went through carb withdrawal. It wasn’t fun, but I was so determined, and I pulled through it without giving in. I did things a little differently this time, not worrying about counting carbs or calories like I have previously, but instead just sticking to the foods that are good for me and letting the rest take care of itself. The result was an overall loss of 10lbs in the month of May, and that includes a little water weight picked up over Memorial Day weekend from the wine and the salty meats. It’s a start.

I rewarded my loss with hitting a couple of thrift stores this past weekend and picking up some cute summer tops and a pair of jeans in my current size, and one in the next size down for encouragement. I figure a $4 pair of Michael Kors jeans can’t really be passed up, and it keeps me looking ahead.

I also signed up for the Tech Geek Weight Loss Challenge. Sounds way more complicated than it is, just a bunch of Twitter people tracking their weight on a spread sheet and encouraging each other to keep going at it. Paul has signed up too, so we’ll be doing it together and hopefully seeing some good results. He is as always my greatest champion, believing in me even when I don’t always believe in myself.

As I type this I am officially 11lbs down from where I started this time, and determined to make a 30lb loss. I don’t know how long it will take, but if it takes me till Christmas I’ll make it happen, because I refuse to give in to the fat-ass in the mirror who makes me feel so unlike the gorgeous, confident woman I could be. I’m going to get there, come hell or high water.