How many times can you deny being in a bad mood, before it dawns on you that you really ARE in a bad mood? I think I really am the queen of denial, as I’ve been telling myself and others for days I am happy, I am just fine. It dawned on me a little while ago as I walked into my bathroom, shut the door and broke down crying that Duh!, I’m really not just fine. People who are just fine don’t start randomly crying in their bathrooms for no reason.

It sounds stupid, but I really didn’t realize it was happening. I felt fine, albeit a little edgy, but overall as close to ‘normal’ as I usually am. I have managed to carry on this self-delusion because in my somewhat twisted view I have no reason to be falling off the wagon of normality. If I have no reason then it can’t be happening, right? Finances are looking better, husband and I are getting along, and we just came back from a great vacation most people don’t ever get to take. What could possibly be wrong??

Never mind Christmas is coming and our shopping is not quite finished.

Never mind my house is not ready, and I have massive amounts of cleaning to do.

Never mind school is out for the youngest ones and I now have two kids at home under the age of five. Two kids whose sole purpose in life is to beat the crap out of each other while I waste my time trying to separate them.

Never mind as of tomorrow afternoon there will be the oldest added to the mix of bickering and tattling.

Never mind that my psychotic mother has started calling my house, and having other people call me as well, even though she knows I have no desire to talk to her. (I can only guess she has taken a pill or five too many again.)

Never mind that in the midst of all this I have somehow, someway gotten off my antidepressant for almost two full weeks and in the flurry of vacationChristmasshoppingchildren have not even realized it.

No reason at all to be stressed, right? *Snort*

Call to my doctor..check.

Reminder set to email me daily about my med..check.

Looking at it all I’m surprised I’m not pulling my hair out, but until about 30 minutes ago I really thought I was ok.

Just call me the Queen of Denial.

20 Comments on Crashing

  1. Paul OFlaherty
    December 19, 2007 at 12:07 pm (10 years ago)

    Having just talked to you 2 hours ago I would never have guessed you were going into a bad patch. Here’s hoping your spirits rise soon.

    Talk soon.

    Reply
  2. amy
    December 19, 2007 at 12:07 pm (10 years ago)

    I’m so sorry you crashed. But you caught it before Christmas!! So that’s good. And meds are at the ready, so that’s good too!

    I hope you have the best Christmas!!!

    Reply
  3. ~JJ!
    December 19, 2007 at 12:10 pm (10 years ago)

    I hear you sister.

    I hear you loud and clear.

    Reply
  4. Lela
    December 19, 2007 at 12:19 pm (10 years ago)

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Reply
  5. Natalie
    December 19, 2007 at 12:29 pm (10 years ago)

    Oh gosh Sara, I’m sorry you got to that point. I think women are naturals at denying it until it’s too late. I do the same thing. I’ll be hunky dory for quite a while and then one day I lock myself in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out. I hope you feel better soon. I’m here, you have my number.

    Reply
  6. FishyGirl
    December 19, 2007 at 12:48 pm (10 years ago)

    I am a lurker most of the time, but I had to delurk to tell you I’ve been where you are, except I can’t take the med. Good for you for realizing it, even if it took a bit for you to do it, and to make sure you did what you have to do to take care of yourself. Especially this time of year, we women can be aces at taking care of everyone and everything else, but neglecting ourselves in the process, to detrimental results to our mental health. Hang in there, and I hope your efforts pay off quickly so you can enjoy your Christmas.

    Reply
  7. Shauna
    December 19, 2007 at 12:51 pm (10 years ago)

    Oh, Sara. I’m so sorry.

    How about keeping your meds somewhere where you’ll see it everyday? I keep my meds next to my toothbrush so that I remember to take it when I brush my teeth in the morning (which is about the same time every day – and important for birth control!). But an e-mail reminder is good. Do you have an alarm on your cellphone or PDA ? You could set that daily, too.

    Hope you feel better soon. I have SO been there. E-mail me anytime. Seriously. I check e-mail all the time so even if I’m not great about blogging or commenting I always check e-mail!

    Take care.

    p.s. Don’t worry about having the house spic and span for the holidays – it’s about family, not presentation. And don’t feel guilty about not talking to your mom. She sounds more destructive than mine (and I didn’t think that was possible).

    Reply
  8. Jennifer
    December 19, 2007 at 3:03 pm (10 years ago)

    Oh Sara, I’m so sorry. You know I’m just a phone call away.

    Reply
  9. Redneck Mommy
    December 19, 2007 at 3:30 pm (10 years ago)

    Hoping you feel better soon, chicklet.

    (I’m going back on the meds myself…had my bathroom meltdown a couple of days ago…sigh…)

    Reply
  10. Diddums
    December 19, 2007 at 4:19 pm (10 years ago)

    I was trying to send a packet to a friend, and was poring carefully over the postage information online… discovered I would have to put a customs declaration form on it! One that seems to want to know how many molecules are in the gift…

    Threw it across the room, lip trembling, and decided I’m not sending it. I wish I knew of an easier way to send a nice surprise to someone overseas – some kind of gift token or something.

    Bad mood? You know, I didn’t think I was, but I think I am. It’s not Christmas I’m angry with, it’s bureaucracy.

    Reply
  11. Diane
    December 19, 2007 at 4:22 pm (10 years ago)

    FWIW I had a shitful day too.
    Sorry you crashed. I’m glad you now know you can crash into me, ( I love how I just incorperated some DMB in there)
    Seriously I’m a phone call away 🙂

    Reply
  12. Queen of Shake Shake
    December 19, 2007 at 5:02 pm (10 years ago)

    You know how you and I were just talking yesterday about the lack of butt kissing between the two of us??
    Girlfriend, I’ll be honest and say I feel a slight temptation to walk down the road and kick you in the behind. Yo yo’ing on the meds is not good for you. Hopefully the email reminder will do the trick, or else I may have to TP your house.

    Reply
  13. Christina
    December 19, 2007 at 6:36 pm (10 years ago)

    Oooh, going off meds cold turkey is baaaad. Take it from me. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down, and I hope you can get back to feeling better soon.

    I’ve considered going back on my meds again – the holidays have been tough this year.

    Reply
  14. Summer
    December 19, 2007 at 9:36 pm (10 years ago)

    It creeps up on you. Most people probably don’t know they’re in too deep until their head goes under. Take a step back, breath, and take care of yourself!

    Reply
  15. cate
    December 20, 2007 at 11:25 am (10 years ago)

    i did the exact same thing a couple of weeks ago! so busy, i didn’t realize that i forgot to take it for 10 days! not good.

    i wish we lived closer! take it easy…and take it easy on yourself! you’re only human!

    hope you feel better soon!

    Reply
  16. Julie @ the calm before the stork
    December 20, 2007 at 12:49 pm (10 years ago)

    oooh! I so relate to the crying in the bathroom. good job catching yourself and getting back on track, or on track to getting on track. or something. holidaze are such a rough time too! sending warm thoughts…

    Reply
  17. Jerseygirl89
    December 21, 2007 at 9:38 am (10 years ago)

    Oh Sara, please take care of yourself. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Reply
  18. kontan
    December 23, 2007 at 1:16 pm (10 years ago)

    there are days I wish for meds…holidays are so stressful.

    enjoyed my visit!

    Reply
  19. Christine
    December 27, 2007 at 4:54 pm (10 years ago)

    Earlier today I admitted to an old friend that I think I’m depressed. That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. I’m already on meds…for me, I think its the horrible financial strain that HAS NOT GONE AWAY despite selling the house I thought my grandchildren would visit me in and moving into a rental (after fees and whatnot we were suprised that we were 17k upside down in the house).

    I haven’t even mentioned this at my own blog.

    Reply

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