How many times can you deny being in a bad mood, before it dawns on you that you really ARE in a bad mood? I think I really am the queen of denial, as I’ve been telling myself and others for days I am happy, I am just fine. It dawned on me a little while ago as I walked into my bathroom, shut the door and broke down crying that Duh!, I’m really not just fine. People who are just fine don’t start randomly crying in their bathrooms for no reason.
It sounds stupid, but I really didn’t realize it was happening. I felt fine, albeit a little edgy, but overall as close to ‘normal’ as I usually am. I have managed to carry on this self-delusion because in my somewhat twisted view I have no reason to be falling off the wagon of normality. If I have no reason then it can’t be happening, right? Finances are looking better, husband and I are getting along, and we just came back from a great vacation most people don’t ever get to take. What could possibly be wrong??
Never mind Christmas is coming and our shopping is not quite finished.
Never mind my house is not ready, and I have massive amounts of cleaning to do.
Never mind school is out for the youngest ones and I now have two kids at home under the age of five. Two kids whose sole purpose in life is to beat the crap out of each other while I waste my time trying to separate them.
Never mind as of tomorrow afternoon there will be the oldest added to the mix of bickering and tattling.
Never mind that my psychotic mother has started calling my house, and having other people call me as well, even though she knows I have no desire to talk to her. (I can only guess she has taken a pill or five too many again.)
Never mind that in the midst of all this I have somehow, someway gotten off my antidepressant for almost two full weeks and in the flurry of vacationChristmasshoppingchildren have not even realized it.
No reason at all to be stressed, right? *Snort*
Call to my doctor..check.
Reminder set to email me daily about my med..check.
Looking at it all I’m surprised I’m not pulling my hair out, but until about 30 minutes ago I really thought I was ok.
Just call me the Queen of Denial.