We’ve all heard this term, and I always assumed it meant the desire to be unfaithful. Something I never truly thought would happen to me. In a little over a month my husband and I will be celebrating our 6 year wedding anniversary, and I think that 7 year itch has hit, a good year early.

It’s not a desire to cheat, it’s a desire for more in the relationship I have. More dates, more time alone, more fun, more affection. In short, more romance. Is that too much to expect after 6 years of marriage? Is it not realistic? Is it typical to evolve into roomates with benefits? I don’t buy into this as normal at all, and I really want to work on it.

The question is how do you reconcile this with having kids? Do you and your spouse keep a regular date night? Are there things you do at home to keep things interesting? Things you do in the bedroom?(Or the laundry room, or the kitchen table…) How do you inspire your man to do a little better than cheesy lines, or worse yet, a post on True Dad Confessions?(No, NOT mine, but some of the posts there are enough to scare a girl!) Is there a secret to making your marriage as sizzling hot as an iPhone?

Talk to me ladies!

(Welcome Google readers! I hope you will consider sticking around and checking out some of my other posts on marriage and family life!) 

46 Comments on The Seven Year Itch

  1. O Mama Mia
    July 1, 2007 at 3:12 pm (10 years ago)

    I have no clue. That iPhones is pretty damn sexy.

    Reply
  2. JamieE
    July 1, 2007 at 3:16 pm (10 years ago)

    Even if we just go watch a movie we date at least once a week. After 6 yrs of marriage and 4 young and needy kids we absolutely MUST spend time alone together. We have the occasional “special” shower, which is the only place we have any privacy since two of our kids sleep in our room. Paying the sitter gets ridiculously expensive, but it’s cheaper than a divorce and I love whispering things in his ear during the movie and then finding somewhere to “park” for a little alone time before we head home. If I can’t have fun with him then who?

    Reply
  3. Annie
    July 1, 2007 at 3:38 pm (10 years ago)

    We went to see ‘Knocked Up’ at the movies last night – and after an initial feeling of ‘I’m at least 10 years too old to think this is funny’ we enjoyed it – there was a piece in it that struck such a chord with me where one of the characters, married woman, in the rut we sometimes find ourselves in, complains to the husband that she wanted him to take the initiative, to do fun stuff with her, go on dates, romance her etc etc etc and I found myself thinking about my husband – ‘YES – he’s watching this, he’ll get the hint’ – whether he does or not is another story. Being out, watching the movie and having a drink and some supper afterwards was a great start and we’ll do it more often. For us it usually takes family being in town to babysit as there aren’t many people here I’d feel comfortable leaving the kids with. We don’t go out on weekly date nights – but we’re both seeing the benefit of making an effort to do it more often.

    Reply
  4. Wendy
    July 1, 2007 at 3:38 pm (10 years ago)

    This is a really good question, S.. And I have no idea what advice to give because I often feel this myself – We just celebrated 8 years and even though we get out often enough, there are times that dammit all, I just miss the fun and excitement that was life before marriage or kids. If you figure it out, drop me a line, would ya 😉

    Reply
  5. Danielle
    July 1, 2007 at 4:49 pm (10 years ago)

    I have felt like this. Then I compliment my DH or tell him how sexy he is to me. Sometimes just that alone initiates DH to tell me how sexy I am. After 14 years of marriage I can tell you that this is not only a 7 year itch, it happens every so often. Sometimes all I need is a look or a certain touch. It itsn’t the same if I have to say outloud what it is I need. Hell, sometimes just having the trash taken out gets me going.

    What made you feel sexy when you were dating? Or before? I have a tube of red lipstick that I used to wear in college, and all I have to do is put it on and pretend that I don’t have kids arguing in the next room. Volia, I’m 19 again and carefree.

    Should I send you some?

    dani

    Reply
  6. MamaLee
    July 1, 2007 at 5:03 pm (10 years ago)

    I feel the same way at times. We just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary, and I miss that spice as well. We try to go out on date nights – unfortunately we get to those every few months. I’d like more.

    And I didn’t marry a big time romantic guy to begin with, so it can be hard at times. I just have to remember that if I put effort into it, hopefully I’ll see some of the same. The romance. Not just the quickie here and there because there are kids in the house.

    I do understand, and I’ll be reading your comments here to get more inspiration from other bloggers!

    Reply
  7. moosh in indy.
    July 1, 2007 at 8:03 pm (10 years ago)

    Distance makes our hearts grow fonder. That and a night at a nice hotel. I get loose in nice hotels.
    I’m at six years too and feel the same way. Getting out with friends, getting away from chilluns and remembering not to forget each other helps for us.

    Reply
  8. Shannon - PHAT Mommy
    July 1, 2007 at 8:37 pm (10 years ago)

    I’ve been married 13 years. I wish I had the answer because things are pretty yawns-ville around here. It’s very difficult for me to incorporate romance into the routine. Too tired, too stressed. When DH and I get out alone for dinner or a movie, I feel like a different woman. But those times are rare.

    Reply
  9. Sparky Duck
    July 1, 2007 at 9:10 pm (10 years ago)

    Yea I am no help, being kidless, not a lady and only married a year, but I would think spice is the changemaker in life.

    Reply
  10. Tina
    July 2, 2007 at 6:52 am (10 years ago)

    I think we just both realize it is a phase in our lives now, where the kids are a priority. Not that we don’t have dates but they ARE few and far between – mostly for lack of babysitting. We know that the kids will grow up faster then we canblink our eyes and then we will have more then enough time to spend with one another. With hope and God’s grace. That is. :0)

    Reply
  11. Erin
    July 2, 2007 at 8:35 am (10 years ago)

    We just hit the 6 year mark in March–and if you find any answers to your questions–PLEASE (!!!!!!) share! That is too funny–I said the roommate with benefits line to my husband right before our anniversary too. I guess great minds think alike.

    Reply
  12. Jackie
    July 2, 2007 at 10:23 am (10 years ago)

    We’ll be hitting 7 years in a little over a week. I know exactly how you feel!

    Reply
  13. In the Trenches of Mommyhood
    July 2, 2007 at 10:28 am (10 years ago)

    I’m a fan of the Date Night wherein we have a good HOT meal (no cutting up chicken nugs on someone else’s plate), a few drinks (yes please!) and actual conversation without being interrupted…because it’s these times that I remember why we actually got married. It’s like the light bulb clicks on and I think, “Hey, I really like this guy! NOW I remember why I married him!”

    Reply
  14. Heather
    July 3, 2007 at 7:21 pm (10 years ago)

    Spicy marriage = better sex?

    Yeah, I’ve had plenty of good sex. I wanna have me some damn fun!

    Reply
  15. Jen
    July 3, 2007 at 8:18 pm (10 years ago)

    Fourteen years married, together for 18 and I think one of the biggest things for us has been keeping the mystery alive. It’s never too late to start. By mystery, I mean we don’t share a bathroom, or a closet, (and when that was logistically impossible with smaller homes, we were very private about that time – no joint bathroom ventures ever), I don’t pass gas or burp in front of him. BUT I’m not a prude (I’ve given birth to our four children with him right there) and I swear the sex is still hot because I don’t put it all out there. And date nights? Boy do they help!

    Reply
  16. kerry
    July 4, 2007 at 8:03 am (10 years ago)

    Personally I think it’s not one thing that helps – for us date night and guy/girl’s weekends and then also trips away together… all very hard when you have kids. A good babysitter and parents who are willing to watch the kids over night… or the alternative is going to a resort where there is child care. And don’t be afraid to take time for yourself… you deserve it – no matter what anyone says!

    Reply
  17. Tulipmom
    July 4, 2007 at 9:25 pm (10 years ago)

    It’s not often that we get to stay in a hotel just the two of us, but it does help. And it doesn’t have to be a really nice hotel, either. The run-of-the-mill Fairfield or Hampton Inn works just fine.

    Date Night helps. We’ve had dates 2 weeks in a row now (not usual for us), and the difference it’s made in our daily interactions (niceness, patience, helpfulness from Hubby) is amazing.

    Reply
  18. Cate
    July 6, 2007 at 10:00 am (10 years ago)

    As hot as an iPhone? Hmmmm…that’s a tough one. 😉

    It’s tough for Carlos and I to go out on dates right now, and for the past 2 years really. With the boys being 1 & 2 and both of them being “high needs”, it’s pretty difficult to leave the house. I mean, we need to have a babysitter who knows how to deal with all of their “issues”….and we need to have the energy to get off our asses and leave the house! Maybe when they’re older….???? A girl can dream….

    We’ve only been married for 3 years, but we’ve been together for 10. What we try to do, even if we aren’t up for any naughty business, is flirt….shamelessly….we flirt and we flirt….sometimes cute innocent flirty….sometimes it gets a little racy, and it’s fun. So whatever we don’t have the time, energy or privacy for, we talk about….it really is a lot of fun!

    I’m hoping there will be less talking and a little more doing. Luckily, because of my depression (total loss of libido!), there is no pressure…Carlos has been BEYOND patient…beautiful man….

    I really think this kind of thing is normal, though….I wouldn’t worry about it. If you start to try new things like flirty or getting out on dates more…I have no doubt that things will start to sizzle again!

    Reply
  19. Diane
    July 7, 2007 at 9:32 pm (10 years ago)

    Two years ago was my seven year itch. I just scratched the shit out of it. 😆 We sat down and had a ton of intense conversations that week… I’ll never forget it.

    I was the VP of an accounting firm, mommy, wife, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, dog groomer, lawn maintenance, errand boy of the family who just programmed myself to exist instead of live. As a result, my children’s infancy and toddler years BLEW by and I was living with a man who I didn’t even recognize. When I realized I would rather live with my retarded roommate from college than my own husband, I demanded a change. So we made lists and talked at length.

    My husband is a good man, not romantic and a hard worker. But completely trainable, thank God. 🙂 So, we make an effort to compliment each other once a day (wardrobe or task that was done), go over the kids day together so we’re on the same page for their school, go on a date once a month, and delegate household tasks fairly. And with spicing up the bedroom, I no longer feel like I have a roommate anymore… Actually the reason why Devin has now joined our family, our happy little pregnancy surprise. LOL!

    Men are dense but go back to your roots. Love notes and IOU’s in random places was fun for us… especially cashing them in 😉
    ~D

    Reply
  20. Grandma
    October 3, 2007 at 11:18 am (10 years ago)

    Interesting topic! Why is a grandma that has been married for 38 yrs. looking at this? Because I have a daughter-in-law who has just left my son in which they have 2 children. They have been married 9 years. It is not fun for anyone, especially the kids.

    As you can tell from all of the other messages on here we all go through this. Remember your committment to your husband and your marriage. As long as you are not being abused in some form and he is a great provider and loves his family you are doing better then most.

    If it is the sex and the fun you take the intiative. Steel him away for one night or weekend and go to a hotel. Doesn’t have to be expensive just clean.

    Go for a walk and maybe fine a hiding place for a smooch, just start thinking, do something out of the ordinary. We farmed so a little sex on the combine was interesting. Parking as one of the gals said. Get your imagination going and make it happen and who knows I bet he will get the spark. Never turn your husband down because of a headache or because you are tired. That is one thing my husband always complements me on. Have fun and tell him what you need, remember they are not mind readers. 😉

    Reply
  21. Michele
    October 4, 2007 at 4:07 pm (10 years ago)

    Boy, am I feeling the 7-year itch. We’re a month over 7 years. My guy is a wonderful father and husband. We tell each other “I love you” nearly everyday. He is my rock, but lately things are starting to feel more brother and sister like kinda love. I don’t know what it is. It’s not quite there yet ’cause I’m still physically attracted to him, but is it me just going through the motions–doing my wifely duties? I don’t know. My husband has so much admirable qualities, but like many of you, I want romance. To go back to the beginning when everything was exciting.

    My husband is also gone A LOT because he’s in the military, which makes it even harder to maintain intimacy. I pretty much feel like a single mom, you know? I know that his being gone a lot is a part of this whole 7-year itch because I’m fine when he’s here. I never thought of myself as being “needy,” but lately I think that I have been “needing” some serious intimacy. It’s so crazy because when I first fell in love with him and well into our marriage, no man could come between us. Now, I find myself attracted to all kinds of men. It’s so weird and scary. Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of being unfaithful. This is really a scary feeling. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband and ruin our wonderful marriage. I wish my libido was dead while he’s deployed, and then come alive when he’s home. 😕

    Reply
  22. Air Force Husband
    October 22, 2007 at 1:22 pm (9 years ago)

    It looks like there aren’t much men that care to look this up and or do anything about it if they feel this is happening, maybe that’s why they loose their woman. However, I believe she must tell him if that’s what’s in her heart and mind and give them the benefit of the doubt. I thank you for this site, you see my wife is stubborn and likes to fix her own problems thats whay it difficult to see what’s going on in her head and soul. By reading these comments you ladies let me in and I thank you for that. Married 7 years and 3 months and last monday my wife receives 3 calls in the kitchen on cell says it’s her mom but their was this aching gut feeling and I called back and it was him. I’ts lengthy and you don’t have to read it but this is what I wrote her the next day.

    Well, I really hate my commute especially when I have things on my mind. Especially since I think I’m doing really well with this ordeal and using the tools given to me from therapy. So since this is on my mind I’m going to use another tool, one you use writing it out to take it out of my head.

    It’s only been a couple of days since my Monday news of “what the fuck”. After such an awesome Sunday night of great sex with toys, oils and many positions it was also a real buzz killer of that evening. I’m doing well getting over that you lied to me about it being your mom, co-worker and him being at Denny’s with you because you might have been afraid I was going to go psycho mad. But it’s taking longer than I want to get over the fact you gave him your cell, if you gave it to him not thinking he’s going to call then why give it. You gave it to him to hook up again most likely at Schooners. Why why why is what I’m asking what is he going to fill that I cannot a presence in a club that would be safe and keep others away?????? Then go in larger groups it’s safer that way. I’ll never know will I. I’ll just have to trust you that you will have nothing to do with him again. I’m glad he’s not a masseuse therapist.

    I know that it’s fact that many woman have a problem getting older and sometimes turning 40 is a problem too, they start to re-evaluate their life were their at are they happy is this it? They get bored or need a hobby; they don’t want to get older. Even though you don’t look it who knows maybe sometimes you feel it. If Saturday night was a night that you enjoyed having a younger man (14 yrs younger) only 5 older then Josh, tell you how beautiful you looked and it felt good for you to hear that and it felt good for him to be 25 and hang with a beautiful older women a MILF as the kids says. People like to have their eagles stroked with compliments I do. You just took it two steps farther with the Denny’s and Phone number. But you said sorry and I believe you. I like to hear compliments too, in fact truthfully I sometimes get them more from other woman then you and I like to hear it when they say I look like 32-34, it’s flatering. So if you get them too I’m happy for you because I know you come back to me.

    It’s coincidental though that after what happened on Monday, and busting you I can’t stop but hearing certain comments that led up to that point;
    Jaime to you: “Mom, are you seeing another man”
    Me to dad: “Yeah she out dancing, looking for a replacement a younger man”
    Me to you: “Honey I have this gut feeling an intuition”
    You to me: “No your wrong your just paranoid”

    Remember at Rocamar’s I said I wanted to tell you something from the center of my heart and not as your husband that, “Love you” is commonly said and although meant can loose it’s value. I wanted you hear something you don’t hear all the time I wanted to tell you complements that I know other men want to say but don’t because you look pissed off or mad or unapproachable or that some men just do tell you. I said, “as a MAN, a MAN to a WOMAN”. “Your beautiful, confident, strong, nice body for a older woman, sexy, smell good, beautiful hair, that so smart, sensitive and strong almost unapproachable that I was glad to have met you and wanted to get to know you better”, and you replied, “that’s what he said, that’s what he said, and even again that’s what he said”, Dang girl he just said all the right things, sweeping you off you feet. Enough get your number. I bet you discussed each others age and he probably said you were ummmm 32. I know you went to the club to drink and dance, and that’s it but men, young and old want more no matter if you married or not that’s why he called 6 times in one day. I know you didn’t want to continue a relationship with him or you would have easily asked if I wanted water, or said your going to take the dogs out and called him back and said stop calling or call me later at this time when he’s gone but you didn’t. I hope he doesn’t know where we live our have our email, did he take you home or follow you home to make sure you got home safe? You know playing the nice gentlemen type.

    Maybe we should take this event to re-establish/tweak our ground rules. If you want to drink just go to Rocamar’s not Schooners by yourself the bartender said he’d keep an eye out for you. Maybe you shouldn’t dance with other man if it cannot stop at just dancing. You’ve danced before and never gave out you number so I don’t know if it was the Patron, the compliments, bored, lonely, horney, happy, or just a lil too much buzzed. Next time, do what you always do leave it at the dance floor/leave it at the club!! Maybe you shouldn’t dance with other men, only me, if you want to dance more lets go out more. Maybe you shouldn’t go out with the single girl. Because that can increase temptation, Hell you could have been followed, stalked or raped what if you said no and he persisted. I know had you gone out with a couple friend or married couple, (i.e., Jeanette & Warren, Brian & Ashley, Jeff & Deanna) this wouldn’t have happened because they would have not let it go that far. They might have had said “OK you had enough” or “hey your/she’s married!” Going out with someone single they don’t give a SHIT what you do or how far you take it, how far he takes it, their single. Relationship is the last thing on their mind. I know we don’t have any couple friends in our age group maybe we need to find them maybe we just need to go out more together. I know you don’t mind me dancing with other woman, you tell me this. But if you could just have been me Monday night and you told me not to dance with another girl. You’re my wife and because I unconditionally love you no matter what! I would do that for you. Through all we’ve been threw; deaths, funerals, bills, accidents, etc. Not dancing with another girl accept you, wouldn’t kill me. I’ve been in more accidents that should have. I don’t think that not dancing with other men would kill you too. Sure go out and drink but just chill, lets start going out together more often.

    So I do hope this kid learned his lesson but if he’s a real nice young man, whom I think he his you wouldn’t have given that much of your time to an asshole. I think he’s going to see or call you again. Just do me a favor and handle it! I say this because when I busted you and spoke to him if he even cared just a little he may have hung up wondering if I kicked the living shit out of you, he doesn’t know me or what level of anger I reached and he may just want to know if you’re ok that night, but like I said just handle it and you can tell me when that times comes too. You have to admit I did quit well and since I didn’t take the phone and fling it across the room, yell in your face with curse words in front of the kids or manhandle you which I did in the past. Let that tell you next time just be honest, like you always tell me and Jaime, NO LIES.

    I’m going to take this event and turn it positive by re-appreciating our relationship and what you mean to me, I know you could have had many opportunities to cheat on me with all my TDYs but your not a Mignosa, like you say, “That’s What Toys are For”, and I respect that. That I have a faithful wife and that’s why I’m working very hard in my heart and head to forgive and move on like you have with me.

    I love you Michelle
    If I’m asleep you can wake me to discuss anything.

    You’re a beautiful woman! and I know that you know that other guys know this too, and I’m cool with that.

    Forever your; husband, lover, affair-man, quickie, longy, friend, best friend or even just someone to talk to……..

    Reply
  23. Man Seeking Answers (UK)
    October 25, 2007 at 3:51 pm (9 years ago)

    Hi Air Force Husband.

    Wow, what a posting. I hope you manage to sort things out and get a chance to tell your wife how you feel. I think she is lucky having a man who can express his feelings like this. Most of my friends (the male ones) have great difficulty in talking about these things. Football, money, cars, other women, yes. Problems in their lives, no.

    My wife is away for a week but i know she is not happy, nor am i. The toll of bringing up the kids and trying to run a business together has brought us to point where we find it hard to do ANYTHING together. We need to talk, we need space, we may need help. But I want to make it work. She has already talked about wanting to have an affair.

    I found this site coz i was looking for some films to order and came across the film 7 year itch. It then dawned on me that we are coming up to 7 years…

    I have a couple of theories (which are not excuses for not making my marriage work but may help explain it). My eldest daughter is 18, and for the past two years has made our life hell at home. Probably perfectly normal behave, selfish, lazy, no respect/love, stealing, expectations through the roof etc. So if it is normal behaviour why? Well isn’t it to help her and us cut the “apron strings”. Does it help all parties want for the next stage to come whereby she moves out into the real world? If there is any truth in this, is there any truth in the notion that when a partnership reaches a stage where the brood is moving out the partners make life difficult for each other to live together. Hundreds and thousands of years ago, the men would have left and started a new brood. As several of my mid 40’s friends have done! This isn’t want i want however.

    So having put the male view amongst the ladies, what are folks thoughts? i appreciated all the posts. Thanks

    MSA (UK)

    Reply
  24. Nervous fiance
    November 26, 2007 at 5:29 am (9 years ago)

    Why is a single 26 year old guy looking at this? Well because I just got engaged and my girlfriend (27) is pushing hard for that next step. Yet I am afraid to take the leap because of issues like the ones discussed above. I love my girlfriend. But I want to be with her because I love her and enjoy our relationship not because I’m tied down by a marriage. I think the 7 year itch is inevitable. I mean, after 7 years she knows all your jokes, all your tricks in bed and she longs for variety (esp if she’s tasted some before). I think a lot of people do go ahead and cheat. I am afraid to get married because I fear this itch will cost both of us and possibly our kids if we have any.

    Reply
  25. confused
    December 21, 2007 at 5:10 pm (9 years ago)

    Im stuck in a place where I dont want to be. Im married to a nice, safe man, but, there never has been a spark.

    Reply
  26. confused
    December 23, 2007 at 5:37 pm (9 years ago)

    take me off here the spark has come back now

    Reply
  27. Rachael
    February 6, 2008 at 3:17 pm (9 years ago)

    In regards to Michele #22, I am 2 months away from 7 years with my husband. I totally get what you’re saying about finding yourself unexpectedly attracted to other men. It is scary for a faithful wife to experience feelings like this. We would never cheat, but then why do we find ourselves feeling these attractions? After a lot of soul searching I’ve realized that it is not the men themselves I am attracted to, it’s qualities they possess that I desire in my own husband (compassion, excitement, passion for life and other things, unselfishness, etc.). I don’t want another man to fill this desire I have, I want my husband to fill this desire! You would think that a husband couldn’t ask for a better wife; one that wants to remain faithful always, adores and cherishes our 3 year old daughter, takes care of the house and bills, and wants to have fun with him and be intimate with him. On top of all that I also try to keep myself looking very nice for him. I know that a huge part of a man’s attraction to a woman is physical. I don’t have the body I had before our daughter, but I don’t let myself go either. I don’t want a mediocre marriage. God gives us this one life to live on earth. We don’t get it back, we don’t get another try. We should be making the most of our marriages while on earth, but it takes two. So, don’t feel guilty for your feelings as long as you remain faithful as I encourage you to do. Be honest with your husband about your feelings and hopefully he will listen and work with you on your marriage. God bless!

    Reply
  28. Junie
    February 14, 2008 at 12:46 pm (9 years ago)

    My husband and I have been married for two years and one month and have an 18 month old daughter. We married in our thirties so we were able to have lived out our twenties with the independence and freedom necessary to get to know yourself and be strong people. I have to say to anyone reading that may not have children yet to take time and build your relationship before having any kids. With us, our lives revolve around our daughter ( as it should be with parents) but I believe we’ve lost a bit of our grip. We are functioning as roomates with OCCASIONAL benefits through both of our doing. My husband text me on Valentines Day saying he wished me a happy V day and that he had a little present for me later. My snotty response was that I don’t want a present I want to be paid attention to. I want to feel as though I am more interesting than the TV, computer, or telephone at least once a week. And I am sure he would appreciate more sex- but one hand washes the other and I feel I am washing the HELL out of his hands and mine are filthy if you know what I mean. I am not the type to withold SEX because of silly little tiffs but I am starting to loose my grip – HELP what do you do when you acknowledge and support your mate’s innate need for sex more often than you have energy for BUT get nothing in return for it… AFter asking… several times for a little attention and or giving suggestions for intimacy.

    Reply
  29. Courtney
    March 18, 2008 at 10:56 pm (9 years ago)

    I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years this year and I absolutely love him more than anything. I can not imagine what life would be like without him and I could never hurt him.

    BUT

    within the last month I have met a friend of a friend who I am attracted to. I can’t help these feelings. I can’t stop thinking about him.

    I just want to touch him. He has told me he likes me but I have not replied or really shown any affection towards him except the same level of kindness and friendship I show to other male friends.

    I don’t want to leave my boyfriend because I truly see my future with him.

    He is a smart, loving, kind, funny, sexy guy (my boyfriend) and we’re travelling for 3 months in Europe this July and have plans for the next few years

    BUT

    this other friend makes me excited.

    I sometimes find myself wishing my boyfriend would cheat on me or hurt me so I had reason to pursue this other guy. Only because I love him so much I’d prefer to hurt than him.

    Does this make sense? It’s just crazy to me.

    I can’t explain. I feel so, so guilty.

    I just remember the saying

    “THE GRASS ISN’T ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE – WATER YOUR OWN”.

    I just hope that I will keep the spark alive and never live a life that doesn’t have time for me and my partner to spend together.

    I’m only 23yrs (24 this yr) so maybe I’m just naive.

    Oh feels so good to get it off my chest.

    Thankyou.

    All the best people.

    Reply
  30. curtis
    March 19, 2008 at 4:57 pm (9 years ago)

    i am a man who has been married for just over 7 years. i am happy with my wife as a person and a wife, the problem is that she is affectionately challenged, shy about her feelings to a fault.
    for 7 years i have been accepting of this fact, but lately it seems to bother me, like i am worth the attention. i have made mention of this feeling of friends with benefits, and how if pressed this would not fulfill me for very much longer, she gets very bummed and tries to play the cry card.
    i want to stay married to her, no question. but define marriage, it is not 2 friends who like to have sex on a regular basis, there is a connection, no connection – no point in being married.
    i have never had to fight for attention from women and maybe that is part of the problem, but i have nothing to feel guilty about and refuse to let her play some sort of victim.
    we are adults, adult couples should have no difficulty showing their feelings…
    it is to the point that i try to not be the charming and funny guy she crushed on many years ago almost as a punishment.
    my marriage overall is good, it could be great…

    air force guy:
    don’t lose sight of your right to be happy and fulfilled. good luck!

    Reply
  31. mags
    March 20, 2008 at 7:00 pm (9 years ago)

    hi curtis, just read submission. lucky you only married for 7. i am facing 21 this april and i am only 43.you soun d like a really nice sound guy, and completly confused! a little gentle wooing wouldnt hurt! your wife may feel abandoned at the moment. even if you make a simple meal (soup, salad or omelette with a bottle of wine
    ) the effort would be really appreciated.dont tell her about other wmen who find you attractive it only makes her feel ugly!it sounds like you are in the fores so if you are away from home alot she may be depresed so dont deny her the sensitive side she fell for.

    Reply
  32. Mom of 2
    April 10, 2008 at 10:44 am (9 years ago)

    Hello to all. I wish I had a response to this. I can tell you though, that I am in the same boat and hoping for some help. First let me tell you that there is a book (if you are someone who likes to read about solutions) that is wonderful, and would work on most situations I fell. The book is called the Divorce Remedy. I picked it up after my husband told me on this past Valentine’s Day that he loves me, but does not think he is “in love” with me any longer. We will be married 7 years on July 7. If we make it that far that is. He told me then that he wasn’t sure what he wants and he needs to get his “ducks in a row”. WHAT?!?!? Can anyone tell me what this means? We have 2 wonderful little girls, 6 & 4. We have been labeled up until recently of course as one of the strongest and most open couples (communication wise) any of our friends and relatives have ever seen. Many have said that we are definitely what would be considered “Soul mates”. I thought so too! UP until the Bomb on Valentines Day. I am trying to stick it out and give him his time to think and figure things out, but our marriage has been non -existent since, we don’t talk, there is no intimacy at all. We are not even friends it seems. I do not know what happened. He swears there is not another woman, as this was my first thought. He said it’s not that I make him unhappy, he just wonders if there is something out there that would make him happier. I am 29 and he is 35. I don’t know if this is a “7 Year itch” or an early mid-life crisis. I do know, I have lost my best friend, my partner, my rock, my whole life it feels. I know I have my girls, but I need my other half too. I am at such a loss as to what to do. He says he does not know what happened. He says he does not know what he wants or needs. Does anyone have ANYTHING they can tell me that might help bring my life back? He used to be not the perfect man, but so very close to it. Please HELP!!!

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  33. i'm there
    May 7, 2008 at 1:54 pm (9 years ago)

    I’m reading what everyone has written and even though i know u feel like your writing gibberish, it completely makes sense to me. I’ve been married less than year but we’ve been together for 6 years. i don’t remember who first mentioned the whole roommate thing … but i couldn’t have put it better. I feel like i have a roommate and without the benefits. My husband has no libido and i want it so bad. I find myself looking at other men and wanting the attention. I always thought of people who cheated as being the worst kind of people and never in a million years would have thought i would ever want anyone but my husband. BUT … i want more. I’ve tried to talk to him and he tells me that i’m being “emotional”, and that i’m “over reacting”. If he asks me “is it that time of the month again” one more time i’m going to explode.
    I found myself doing everything for him and it was like i became someone i didn’t recognize anymore. I dropped out of school and everything. (I know super dumb thing to do) I made him my life, (i liked it) we did everything together and up until about 4 months ago we made other couples nauseous because we were so lovey dovey. It felt like it hit me like a brick wall … he all of a sudden stopped wanting to be with me. He developed this new desire to go out with just the guys and doing things we would normally do together without me. At first, I really thought there was another woman. The sex completely stopped (because of him not me, which it’s really hard to find info on how to get men excited b/c everything is geared toward women loosing libido and little blue pills) Trust me, I tried really hard I got toys, costumes, oils, karma sutra … everything. I started seeing a counselor and everything.

    So I started doing things for myself and doing things that made me happy. I’m making new friends outside of our circle and I’m keeping myself busy. It’s almost making him jealous and I find him more interested in this new life I’m creating. So in that aspect it’s working. We’ve always done weekly dates, just with time we stopped talking. With me doing all these new things it gives us things to talk about.

    Now for the curve ball … I really like this new life I’m creating and I don’t see him a part of it anymore. I know I love him, but it’s not the same love I remember from before. To be perfectly honest I’ve never felt that can’t live without you kind of love like in the movies. We are just so perfect for each other, we compliment each other really well. My dad passed away in October and it really hurt our family. He was 47 and it was a massive heart attack and really sudden. I really think I’ve changed from that, not only that but I’m only 24 and my husband is 25. I think I’m still finding out who I am and what I want. (we met when I was only 18) I didn’t expect to type so much, but it feels really good to talk about it and to know your not alone. My advice: try new things, try new things separately. I’m a strong believer in communication. Just remember if it’s meant to be then it will be.

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  34. Chantal
    May 9, 2008 at 11:37 am (9 years ago)

    That sounds alot like my story except that it wasn’t Valentine’s Day and we will/would be married 8 years this July… I kind of think sometimes that it is a mid-life crisis, not really sure, I can carry part of the blame because I have not been very attentive with 3 little ones between the ages of 7 and 1. He had told me a few years ago that he was feeling disconnected and wasn’t sure what he wanted. We found out soon after that we were expecting our third child (oops). Things seemed to settle after that and I thought that things were better… apparently not! He doesn’t love me anymore and he says that I deserve to be love (but not by him I guess), things are in limbo. I don’t know at all what he wants to do about this… will he move out, will we try to work this out, he hasn’t said and I feel so powerless and out of control. I have no say in his decision that will change our family and affect our children forever. They will be that ones to suffer the consequences of their parents inability to work things out and make the marriage work. Will leaving us really make him more truly happy, even he doesn’t know? I just don’t feel that we have done enough to call it quits seeing that I didn’t even know how he was feeling. I think I would like to try counselling, even if we don’t stay together, we have to be able to get along for the benefit of our children.

    This whole situation really SUCKS!

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  35. Kelly
    May 12, 2008 at 12:08 pm (9 years ago)

    Wow. I’ve been reading all of these comments and it looks like I’ve been through a little of everything. Today is my 7 year wedding anniversary and it doesn’t feel like it. My marriage has been troubled for the last year and a half and to top it off we had a baby together last September. Last year my husband decided to start going out alot and coming home late or not at all. I got fed up with that and I changed the locks then eventually I put him out. He’s got his own place now but I want him back at home. He doesn’t want to come back because he said I put him out. He tries to make it seem as if everything was my fault because of the way things are between us. I told him numerous times that if he would just talk to me about his feelings instead of going out drinking and partying then we would be fine. By the way we are 32 (me) and 36 (him). 1 time too many I’ve had to ask him what was wrong. Now there are major trust issues between us. He’s had numerous women calling and leaving him vm messages and sending him explicit text messages with pictures. When I confront him about things like this he just says well it’s the same thing you did. Let me tell you all a story. About 3 years ago I made a job change. I ran into an old co-worker of mines, male, and we exchanged emails addresses, then phone numbers. There was absolutely no attraction to this person from my end but as time went on he wanted more than a friendship from me, husband or not. We had been emailing and texting eachother for some time and not once was it ever for us to hook up or anything other than friends emailing and texting eachother. I never kept this friendship from my husband and one day out the blue he goes through my phone and mis reads a text from my friend. My friend said to me that he’s had feelings for me way before I changed jobs and that he wanted to get to know me better than a friend even if I was married. My husband confronted me about this and he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. If he would have just listened we wouldn’t have any problems now. My reply by text and email to my friend was “I’m flattered that you feel that way about me but at this time in my life I don’t want anything more than a friendship as I am married”. I also said that if he tried to come on to me then I would cut all communication. My husband never got to see that information or wanted to hear what I had to say. So he figured from the text from my friend that I was cheating on him. I of course cut ties with my friend as I saw the pain it caused my husband. On the other hand he has lots of female friends and he even went behind my back and bought his ex-girlfriends car from her. I was livid. This is a woman he said he no longer spoke to and didn’t care for but he always communicates with her behind my back. I don’t know what to do. I want to divorce him because i know that there is someone out there that will love me and give me the attention that I am so lacking but then again I love this man and we did have a wonderful friendship/marriage at one time and I want it back. What should I do? We have an 8 month old and a 5 year old together. He says he doesn’t want to end it but I don’t believe it. Help me.

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  36. julia
    June 5, 2008 at 3:04 pm (9 years ago)

    We’ve been married 7 years, together 8.5 and we have a 15 month old son. My husband is funny, responsible, a great dad and he loves me. The problem? I’m not in love with him anymore and I feel zero physical attraction for him. This has been bothering me on and off for several years, but the last 6 months have been unbearable for me. I have felt like a caged animal – like a pretender. I know that what we have is the best relationship I could hope for, but I am just not satisfied by it. But then again, we have a child. So what is more selfish? Staying in a relationship with someone I don’t love for a stable home life and a big house? Or abandoning my commitment? I finally told him how I feel 2 months ago, and we have been trying to work on it. The problem is that I have absolutely no physical attraction for him and his way of working on it is to try to have sex all the time. Uggh. Help.

    Reply
  37. alexa
    June 22, 2008 at 2:11 pm (9 years ago)

    I see little pieces of myself in each of you who have written here. I, too, am in the 7th year of my marriage to a very wonderful man–so wonderful is he that I sometimes I feel I don’t really deserve him, that there is a woman out there who can love him more than I can ever love him. I am unsure of where we are standing at this point in our relationship– I feel the romance is not there anymore, the spark has gone; he, on the other hand, seem to think everything is fine. My question is: Do I lay my cards on the table? Tell him everything that I feel, knowing it will pain him? Is honesty the best policy in such a sensitive subject, or are there things better left unsaid?

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  38. Kathy
    June 24, 2008 at 3:03 pm (9 years ago)

    I too was under the impression that our relationship was fine, other then lacking in the intamacy for thelast year. We have been together for 7 years in August. Through those 7 years we have been through mountains of challenges. He was getting a divorce when I met him, it was a horrible ordeal that lasted 4 years, she would not leave, or agree to anything. Finally it was over 2 years ago. 8 months into our relationship he suffered a major brain anerisym and should, by all account have died. Even the doctors call him a walking miricle. He surviced with no ill effects. But it realy put things into perspective for us. We run a very high stress high financail obligation business together, that takes it’s toll on us daily some times. But through all of these things that have happened and lots I haven’t mentioned, we have always stood strong together. We were both convinced that if there was a thing called soul mates, that is what we were. We could talk for hours and hours, and then talk some more. We have had an amazing sex life for many years. We share our feelings our hopes and dreams with one another all the time. We plan for our future all the time. Well the bomb hit last week. He went back to England to visit his parents that he had not seen in 10 years. During his stay there, he met up with as he calls it “the first love of his life”. He asled her to marry him 25 years ago, and she said no. Since then they have never communicated, but he says she has always been on his mind, and calls her a “seed of doubt” in our relationship. They were not together intimately, just talked and had supper together. Now he wants to move back to England and see IF she was the right one. He is giving up a woman that he loves dearly (he tells me this), plus everything we have worked so incredibly hard for. We have a beautiful home on a acerage, animals (lots), and have worked very hard to have a successful unique business together. There was no warning about this, as a matter of fact before he left he said he was going to talk to his mom about marrying me. He alsways calls me Mrs. XXX (his last name, and has always talked about growing old together, and sitting on the porch holding hands when we a re too old to do anything else. I just don’t get it, and he says he doesn’t get it either. All he knows is that he has to know in his heart whether she was the right one or not. My points were don’t you think in 25 years, if you both thought you were meant to be together, one of you would have made a move before now? Why now, after he has worked so hard to be where he is? Is he thinking the grass is greener on the other side because we have become so complacent of one another? He also said that if she said she was not interested or didn’t think it would work, he would come running back with his tail between his legs. He also says he must be crazy for thinking about giving all of this up and a woman who loves him so unconditionally.

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  39. Jill
    July 1, 2008 at 12:32 pm (9 years ago)

    I am 28 and my husband is 29, we will be married 8 years in December. I find myself attracted to another father from my daughters softball team. I love my husband more than anything and our marriage is great. We have had our moments where it was anything but great but for the past year it has been good. I don’t even want to sleep with this guy I just like flirting with him and the way I feel knowing he wants to flirt with me too. He is divorced and looking to start dating so we laugh about how difficult it is to date these days and just stupid stuff like that harmless really. Am I setting myself up for disaster by flirting with him? We only see each other at games and practices and when our girls stay the night together so it is not like we call or email or whatever. Is there anything wrong with alittle harmless flirting or is it the first step to disaster?

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  40. Different Perspective
    August 8, 2008 at 11:14 am (9 years ago)

    Wow. I just spent a lot of time reading all these posts…and I find them very interesting. I think this is an issue that people don’t talk about as much b/c it’s so taboo. But is so REAL! I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years, and we have two small children under the age of 4. We were the storybook couple–absolutely, madly in love. Completely passionate about each other. But life happens. He works long hours, our kids are very young and therefore very needy and they consume SO much of our time and attention. Like so many other posters, we have date nights but b/c of sitter problems we only realistically go out every 6-8 weeks. And even then, that’s only a few hours of a break. Hardly enough to truly rekindle your relationship from weeks and weeks of stress and kids constantly crying all the time. So, what’s the solution? I’ll admit-recently, I’m finding myself to have a wandering mind. What would it be like to be w/ someone else? Or, I’ve even fantasized about past lovers. But then it dawned on me–I don’t really want someone else. I want my husband back. I want to have him like I did before we had kids. What I’m really longing for is those days when we would lie in bed all day and have sex, take a nap, get up to eat, have more sex, maybe another nap, etc. And just be together–talking, bonding, really experiencing one another. I don’t know-this whole issue is so complicated. But I just think that there’s an inevitable distance that comes between two in-love people who choose to have kids. But you have to find your own ways to keep the romance alive. B/c like another poster wrote, getting sitters to have your date nights is still less expensive than a divorce. Also, the old saying, “They grow up so fast…” should be some comfort to those in my position. I think it does get a little easier to have more alone time when your kids are out of the baby/toddler stage. Maybe that’s delusional thinking on my part, but please just let me think that for now. Now, w/ all this said, I don’t think there’s any hope for relationships in which the people involved never were truly in love to begin with. So many people just marry the one they’re with b/c they think it’s the right time in their life to get married or they’re just sick of being single or the nightmarish dating scene. So, if you start out a marriage under those circumstances and THEN throw in the added stress of kids, it may actually be hopeless. But for those of us who do truly love our spouse but we’re just really feeling the stress of “life with kids”, you just have make an effort to actively keep the magic alive. Leave sexy notes for him, buy new lingerie every now and then, buy a new sex toy, make a sexy playlist, light a freakin candle in the bedroom, turn off the TV in the bedroom, (and for the love of god, those of you have your kids sleeping in your bedroom….get them out!), after the kids go to bed try turning off the TV and actually talking to each other like you used to, have role-play sex, ask family to watch the kids overnight and get a hotel room in-town. Get creative. What are your options? B/c if you do give into the temptation to go outside the marriage for the attention you’re desiring, things will only get worse. Just try to remember why you got together in the first place and do your best to recreate those feelings. What made you feel sexy about being w/ this person to begin with? What turned you on about them? And TELL HIM these thoughts and feelings. God knows men don’t read our minds–you have to tell him. And I’m not going to be a hypocrite–I’m going to talk to my husband about it this weekend. Who knows? It might even kickstart his imagination for me to tell him my desires and that I’m wanting to be more intimate with him. So, to all of you out there who stumbled upon this blog b/c your mind has been wandering like mine, good luck to you. And thanks for letting me vent a little!

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  41. worried also
    August 29, 2008 at 6:34 pm (9 years ago)

    I have been married to my husband for 5 years this past August and together for 7 this past January. My problems are the fact that everyday up until lat August we spent everyday together, he never went out, and I still have yet to go out. He now goes out at least 3 times a week, sometimes more, and has stayed out as late as even 5 or 6 in the morning, he also will not answer his phone when he goes out and sometimes turns it off. I have no idea where he goes or who he is with when he goes on his little adventures, but I do know that he drinks when he is out. He said he has “never went outside the box” with me, but I think differently, he has too many female friends, and I would say that all of them are younger than him, he is 39, I am 31, and his female friends range from 19 on up, now you tell me. I wanna leave him, but if I do that, i will be broke, lonely as I already am but more, and totally confused. I am just scared as hell cause he helped me “grow up” so to speak, and now I dont even really have him anymore. We have no children together, but I have my own children, and I have left him a couple of times before for the same reasons I am wanting to just give up now for, but he has always been convincing enough for me to just come right back again. I have no clue what to do as I am just FED UP! Someone please HELP ME!

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  42. joe
    December 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm (8 years ago)

    I’am just getting over a break up after 8 years 3 months taht was a seven year itch . She left me for another guy . There was very little sex at the end and the spark was gone for her. She felt we were just friends. I still lover her very much and did’nt see it coming. Can anyone tell me if there is a chance she’ll come back to me? She calls me every three weeks and we talk for an hour evert time. Our relationship was great and everyone was shocked that we broke up.

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  43. Jrod
    July 4, 2009 at 4:04 pm (8 years ago)

    You Suck! Nothing More to it. I Hope For his sake that your husband never see's/ comes across this. Hang Your head in SHAME!!!!!!

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  44. Confused, Hurt & Scared
    April 26, 2011 at 9:19 pm (6 years ago)

    My wife just broke the news to me that she wanted a divorce after 7 years together and 5 years of marriage. She’s adamant. Nothing will change her mind, and I’m just absolutely heartbroken. My friends and family have been so supportive but I’m just in so much pain right now. After reading all the comments here I have to conclude that “the 7 year itch” is very real. There’s no reason for her to break up with me the way I see it, because we’ve survived much bigger problems in the past and actually just overcame the biggest hurdle recently and I was so happy about it and she seemed to be too… and then just weeks later, she dropped the bomb out of nowhere and I find out there’s another guy in the picture too. Totally fucked up and distraught and broken.

    We haven’t always had the perfect marriage. Lots of problems. Lots of issues. Lots of baggage and hang-ups, but I always thought we’d get past them and make a go of it. So what’s really tough to see is the comments on here I’ve just read from some women claiming their husband is great and perfect and there’s no issues in their marriage yet they are still considering ending it or wanting to be with someone else. That’s majorly fucked up. It seems some of us guys just can’t win.

    Sigh….

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  45. Big Momma
    May 2, 2012 at 9:59 pm (5 years ago)

    ok, this post kinda went wonky, but I do have an answer for you… you mentioned a date night, well unfortunately I have 3 very small children so I can not keep a regular date night, but when we can get out, I try to keep it 50/50, one time we do something that I would enjoy (but I know he would enjoy too) and the next we do something he would like a bit more. Example: one week-end off I decided I really just wanted to get out of the house and in to the real world for a while, so we went to a nice hotel and treated ourselves to a visit to the spa (like I said, not a regular thing so we treated ourselves, and yes, men LOVE the spa facials and rain shower messages) the next time we had a night to ourselves, I surprised him with tickets to a special dinner and a burlesque show, and I actually had a spectacular time. Not saying we don’t have our own relationship troubles, but in the case of time for you and your man you really do need to try and put a bit of effort in keeping it different and special.

    Reply

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