I live in the land of Gapmoms. You may have another word for them- yuppies, wasps, soccer moms, Suburbia Barbie, whatever. Personally I always thought going to my daughter’s school that I’d somehow stepped into a Gap ad, so the name stuck. Needless to say, I am not a Gapmom, but I do have a weird fascination with them. It’s like watching the Stepford Wives, only without Nicole Kidman around to go “What the hell is wrong with these women??” We’ve lived here for going on four years now, and I’ve observed a few common traits among them.

Clothing- Brand doesn’t matter, but the look must say “perfectly put together, without looking like you tried too hard”. Hair should always be styled, nails manicured and pedicured, and makeup is required. Anything recognizably from Walmart would probably get you thrown out of the clique faster than you can say ‘Starbucks’.

Car- SUV, what else? Identifying markings include “My child is an honor student at ______” stickers and/or magnets shaped like a football, baseball or ballet shoe with a name on them.

Cell phone- Attached to the ear the minute they turn the SUV on. Who they are talking to at 8am is beyond me.

Activities- Going to the gym, shopping at Target and Fresh Market, and being at the school 24/7 for everything imaginable.

Kids- Generally given top 20 names with cutesy spellings, like ‘Kaitlyn’, ‘Haylee’ and ‘Jazmyn’. Easy to spot across the parking lot by the colorful boutique clothing and large bows on the girl’s heads.

Food- I don’t think they actually eat, and thats probably how they stay so thin. They seem to subsist largely on vente caramel lattes from Starbucks.

Home- At least 3 bedroom, impeccably clean, always brick,  and in in the ‘right’ neighborhoods, extra points if the house is on a cul-de-sac.

So there ya have it, welcome to my neighborhood! Cookies anyone?

35 Comments on Profile of a Gapmom

  1. Jennifer
    March 21, 2007 at 5:33 am (11 years ago)

    Seriously, you just described several things about me? Oh no.

    Clothing…I try to look put together…

    I drive an SUV…

    I covet all things Fresh Market

    My brick 3 bedroom home is on a cul-de-sac

    Oh. My. Gawd.

    Reply
  2. Steph
    March 21, 2007 at 5:54 am (11 years ago)

    Lord help me. I’m a gap mom! (well minus the SUV and the cell phone) lol

    Reply
  3. Heather
    March 21, 2007 at 7:38 am (11 years ago)

    Are you sure we go to the same school?

    Reply
  4. Sara
    March 21, 2007 at 8:05 am (11 years ago)

    Bwahaha. Maybe thats what happens when you skip carpool line, you don’t get to see so much of them in their natural habitats. There are a few that stand out, but keep an eye out for a big truck with a license plate that proudly announces what a sexy mom she is 😉

    Reply
  5. Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)
    March 21, 2007 at 8:07 am (11 years ago)

    Ummm…I have the SUV…but that’s about it. I take Eldest to preschool in a ball cap and always make sure my winter coat is zipped so as to hide the ketchup and snot stains that are adorning my sweats and skanky workout shirt.
    Makeup? What’s that?

    Reply
  6. Robyn
    March 21, 2007 at 11:51 am (11 years ago)

    Have you been spying on me??

    Reply
  7. Race Mom
    March 21, 2007 at 12:19 pm (11 years ago)

    Is it possible to be half a Gapmom? SUV, cell phone, cute clothes for kids, four bedroom; but not perfectly clean. Mom eats plenty, and has the butt to prove it. And our main activity is racing, not dance, soccer, or gymnastics. Love your sense of humor and insight!

    Reply
  8. Christina
    March 21, 2007 at 5:58 pm (11 years ago)

    I am standing right there with you!

    Reply
  9. Karen
    March 21, 2007 at 7:24 pm (11 years ago)

    I’m thinking they are making duplicate neighborhoods, it’s all so Cylonesque really.

    Reply
  10. Tulipmom
    March 21, 2007 at 9:19 pm (11 years ago)

    Well, my house fits the bill (except for all the clutter) and I love Whole Foods (although hardly ever go anymore) but that’s about it. I’m not a GymRat (and it shows), I wish I had time for makeup everyday or even most days, I don’t drive an SUV, and I really try to avoid driving and talking (on my cell, that is). Just getting Sweet Boy up, centered, medicated, and to school “on time” (or some variation thereof) takes all I’ve got most mornings. If I figure out a way to look great while doing all that, I’ll let you know.

    Reply
  11. MammaLoves
    March 22, 2007 at 7:31 am (11 years ago)

    I hate all those women who are so put together. I usually pass them as I’m headed into the office and I don’t look half as done up as they do walking the kids to school.

    UGH! The intimidation!

    Reply
  12. AbsolutelyBananas
    March 22, 2007 at 8:02 am (11 years ago)

    Funny!
    Just stumbled onto your blog, and I LOVE the tagline (who are these kids and why are they calling me mom). I think you should make yourself up a t-shirt to wear that says that, for the next time you’re out with the Gapmoms. They may look put together, but PERSONALITY wins!!!

    Reply
  13. Robin
    March 22, 2007 at 8:51 am (11 years ago)

    Don’t those venti caramel lattes from Starbucks have like 3000 calories?

    Reply
  14. crunchy carpets
    March 22, 2007 at 11:46 am (11 years ago)

    I would be a gapmom if I fit the clothes.

    My kids are better dressed than me!
    sigh.

    do have the cool sort of suv though.
    House is a disaster though…

    Oh well….

    Reply
  15. Peg
    March 22, 2007 at 12:55 pm (11 years ago)

    LMAO…

    I’m so not a Gapmom…they’d probably refer to me as a Crapmom! No matter where you live, there are Gapmoms!

    I’m friends with one (we’ve been friends since we were in the 5th grade), and she has secretly revealed to me that being a Gapmom (although I don’t think she called it that) is more of a curse than anything, and she envies my ability to not get caught up in that kind of BS!

    Great Blog, BTW–found you via Plain Jane…

    Peg

    Reply
  16. Andria
    March 22, 2007 at 1:39 pm (11 years ago)

    I know exactly what you mean! My son’s preschool last year was just like that. I didn’t fit in at all and was looked at like a had three heads. This year’s school is a bit better, but there are some gapmoms there too.

    Your term is much more polite than what I gave my preschool moms.

    Reply
  17. Coach Coco
    March 23, 2007 at 12:42 pm (11 years ago)

    Absolutely my life. You have nailed it. We work very hard for our image. Except, I live on Starbucks nonfat,lattes, the vanilla is just too sweet. Great blog.

    Reply
  18. Dana
    March 27, 2007 at 1:47 pm (11 years ago)

    I was beginning to think that we lived in the same town until you said Target and Starbucks.

    Reply
  19. Shauna
    April 14, 2007 at 5:56 pm (11 years ago)

    I just recently found your blog and liked that you linked to this post. Loved it! What’s the opposite of a GapMom? I think that’s me.

    Reply
  20. Sarah
    August 1, 2007 at 6:55 pm (10 years ago)

    I taught at a school where Gapmoms ruled the roost. Exactly why does one need to drive their ONE child to school in a Hummer?

    Reply
  21. Wendy
    September 6, 2007 at 8:37 pm (10 years ago)

    No sorry not me Sara, I don’t drink Starbucks and although I am surrounded by SUV drivers I am not one. My car isn’t even street legal right now oops LOL

    Reply
  22. candace
    September 13, 2007 at 6:16 pm (10 years ago)

    I just read Shauna’s post but had to fill myself in on what a gap mom is so thanks for the definition. I get the idea. But horror of all horrors, I just got home from fresh market and love the red campaign at The Gap. I want an SUV but the highlander hybrid. does that redeem me? oh well, either way, love your blog!

    Reply
  23. Sheila
    September 14, 2007 at 6:27 am (10 years ago)

    I just came across this (via Pass the Chocolate) and am so glad I did! You hit the nail on the head! I am so not a GapMom! 😀

    Reply
  24. bellevelma
    September 15, 2007 at 7:52 am (10 years ago)

    LOL! Came here via way of Pass the Chocolate. My son recently started Kindergarten and I’ve got a bad a feeling I’m not going to fit in. Already noticed it somewhat at his soccer practice last week. Sigh…

    Reply
  25. Bryany
    September 19, 2007 at 11:31 am (10 years ago)

    Ohmigoodness…you just pinned the tail on the perpetual donkey.

    Is it really true that we’ll all turn into this if we stay here long enough?

    Please tell me that’s a horrible myth….haha.

    Reply
  26. jen
    September 27, 2007 at 6:54 pm (10 years ago)

    how come so many people online are “misfits” that I could be best friends with, and everyone in real life is a gap mom??? It’s a trick!!

    Reply
  27. tommiea
    September 27, 2007 at 8:19 pm (10 years ago)

    visiting from Jennifer Playgroupie……this totally could be me minus the SUV…but I do drive the XC70.

    Reply
  28. jill
    September 29, 2007 at 3:13 pm (10 years ago)

    I know the type. When I quit my job when daughter #1 was born I had many a play date with the Gap Mom type. So boring. I couldn’t stand sitting around talking about parenting books and comparing which percentile our children fall in for weight and height. I hated play groups!! Ten 2-year olds in a room together is sheer hell, even if their mothers are cool.

    Thank goodness I found friends whose interests went beyond their children and shopping!

    Reply
  29. Mr Lady
    October 2, 2007 at 4:29 pm (10 years ago)

    When I clicked this link, I thought for sure I was going to fit into that description. I am proud to say that I failed, miserably.

    Reply
  30. toni
    October 26, 2007 at 10:02 am (10 years ago)

    Uh oh!
    Soccer mom? Check.
    Brick house? Partial check (due to partial brick).
    Cul-de-sac? Check (and was a huge “want” when we were looking)
    SUV? Um,…minivan (does that make me Mini Gap???)
    Put together? Um, sort of. In public. If I fear running into those I know. Brandname, sure. But,…B-U-T….I shop at thrift stores due to our single income status.

    So, what does that make me? A Gap mom? Or perhaps just a mom with gaps. That’ll work. :mrgreen:
    Blessings,
    ~Toni~
    p.s. I don’t “do” playdates, so surely I earned a few “Gap-less” mom points for that.

    Reply
  31. Rachel
    November 11, 2007 at 5:02 pm (10 years ago)

    😆 that is hysterical! and damned if it isn’t the truth. I run into lots of those down here. sheesh.

    Reply
  32. Christine
    January 31, 2008 at 12:36 am (10 years ago)

    OMG Crapmom!!! That’s me on my “drop off lane” days. I will never be a Gapmom and maybe I just need to embrace it. Who am I kidding, I live in Southern California. The moms here seem to want to look like they share the same closet as their daughters.

    Reply

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